Toby had been sitting in his office for an hour before CJ came in and sat down, the words he wanted to say still simmering on the tip of his tongue. She had been reading on his sofa for another twenty minutes, and then he gave in.
"We were staying in cabins that weekend."
CJ turned and looked up at him. "What weekend?"
"Ten years ago, when you--"
She groaned. "Don't say it. I'm trying to repress it again."
"It wasn't an elevator," he pushed.
"It wasn't?" CJ raised an eyebrow. Toby sighed and leaned back in his chair. He didn't know if she was confused, or lying. "I thought..." she trailed off and looked away. "Oh, right. It was that beach resort place."
He nodded. "You kept trying to get me to put my feet in the sand."
"I came in, tipsy---"
"Toasted," Toby countered.
"Whatever," she snorted. "And I was upset."
"Yes," he agreed, thinking back to that early morning that CJ came in and cried because she had gotten drunk and done something she knew she shouldn't have. He had wanted to curse, but he knew his friend couldn't have handled anymore grief. He was insensitive, but not to that extent. "You were."
She sighed. "Can we move on?"
"Was there an elevator?"
She shook her head. "No. He had a cabin."
"Why did you---"
"Can we please move on?"
He sighed and nodded. "Sure. What do you think of the--"
"I'm not done yet. Give me a minute."
Toby picked up his pen but he didn't write anything. He watched CJ. She was supposed to be reading the paper, but he knew her eyes weren't traveling over the words. To anyone else, she was reading---to him, though, she was staring out at one spot one the page. She had lied, and she knew he trapped her. Soon, they would talk about it. But, first, they had to work.
~*~
**10 years ago...**
CJ looked up from her glass of wine and surveyed the crowd. It was an amazing affair; she wondered how and why the Senator put it together. She knew that national and state parks were important, but, the fundraising, schmoozing event was amazing.
"Senator Hoynes must love parties."
She turned and smiled at Ben, her old friend and ex-boyfriend. "He gave a good speech. When he runs for President, it'll work in his favour."
Ben raised his eyebrows. "He's going to run for President?"
She chuckled and turned to watch the Texan as he entered the room with his staff. The crowd applauded. Senator John Hoynes smiled and waved, giving credit to his staff as well. CJ nodded. "He's definitely going to run."
"If you say so," he replied, smiling and putting a hand on her back.
"We're touching, Ben," she reminded him after a sip of her Chardonnay. "What would Katie say about that?"
"Katie knows we're here together. She suggested that I invite you, since you didn't come to our wedding. We don't see you as much."
She sipped again while contemplating her reply. "I was busy. I told you--"
"I know. You're too busy in Hollywood."
"L.A.," she rolled her eyes. "And I like being busy. It's not a great job. But, it pays the bills, and soon, it'll pay more than the bills."
"Why don't you get back into politics?"
CJ laughed. "I didn't like being a feminist, Ben."
"Find someone else to work for," he said with a shrug.
She smiled and finished the glass of wine. "I'm going to go get another drink. Do you want---"
"I'm fine."
She nodded and began to weave through the crowd towards the bar. She had wanted to believe that she and Ben could pick up a new friendship, but it was so hard. They had dated, fallen in love, lived together, and then fought like cats and dogs. Ben moved away, first to Alaska, and then to Texas for a couple of years. Soon, she knew he'd go back to Alaska, because he loved it too much there. Their phone calls were sporadic, and only half of them were civil until the day he told her he was getting married. After that phone call, they hadn't been the least bit pleasant. Her defenses went up. She refused to let Ben see how much he had hurt her, ever again.
After that phone call, she called Toby, who was in his own relationship with a funny redhead named Andi Wyatt, with political aspirations of her own---she wanted to run for Congress.
And when he asked what was wrong, she broke down, blubbering like a fool about how no one was going to love her.
Toby had been her rock. He had assured her in his own, uncomfortable way that she was going to find someone who would love her enduringly.
The way he had said that word had made her smile.
He was always so eloquent.
"A Chardonnay, please," she told the bartender.
The tall man to her left turned and bumped her. "Oh, excuse--"
"Senator Hoynes," CJ smiled.
He smiled and looked into her blue eyes with blue eyes of his own. Up close, she realised, he was much more handsome than she had originally thought. He wasn't her type, especially because he was married, but there was something about him that was intriguing her.
"I don't believe we've met."
She extended her hand. "CJ Cregg."
"A pleasure," he said, slipping his hand into hers and squeezing it. "You're a long way from home."
"Excuse me?"
"You don't have an accent."
She smirked and took the glass of wine put onto the bar for her. "Neither do you."
"Of course I do," he chuckled, letting his accent slip into his voice a little more as she put a bill onto the bar. "I'm just used to spending all of my time in Washington."
"Trying to make things better takes a lot of time," she agreed---maybe teasing, maybe flirting.
He nodded. "It does." He paused and studied her. "You look familiar."
CJ blinked. "I do?"
He nodded again. "Yes, you do. Did you used to work for NOW?"
She blushed. "Maybe a little. I'm working in PR now."
Bold but still handsome, Senator Hoynes put a hand on her back, brushing over her uncovered skin and the blue dress, and guided her away from the bar and to the outskirts of the party. "Didn't like politics?"
"I love politics," she replied. "But, I also love having a home and food and clothes."
Senator Hoynes laughed. "That makes sense. Why are you here tonight?"
"I was invited to accompany an old friend."
"You must have looked good on his arm," he commented.
"I did," CJ commented. "But, I look good on my own."
The senator nodded, his eyes not traveling any lower than her bare shoulders, but affecting her nevertheless. "You do."
"Senator!"
He smiled as the young man in the grey suit approached. "Josh, are you enjoying the party?"
"Yes, sir," he said, not smiling but gritting his teeth and shrugging. "We have something to discuss with you, and--"
"Josh, have you met CJ Cregg?"
Josh turned. CJ smiled at him. She knew who he was. They had crossed paths a handful of times. He shook his head. "Not directly." He offered her his hand, which she shook. "Josh Lyman. Nice to meet you. You're friends with Toby Zeigler, right?"
CJ groaned, but smiled. "It's such a small world." She sipped her wine and then said: "You two talk, I'm going to go and find my friend. It was nice to meet you both. Josh, Senator." She met Senator Hoynes' eyes as she slipped past and when she was walking back to Ben, she kicked herself inside for being more flirtatious than she had allowed herself to be in a long time.
"You met the Senator," Ben said when she stopped next to him.
She nodded. "I did. He introduced himself."
"He's a good guy?"
She shrugged. "I guess so, yeah."
"Want to sit?"
She chuckled. This weekend was ridiculous. How she got herself into these situations, she would never know. "Yes, please."
~*~
"I think I'm going to head up to the room now, Ben," CJ murmured after hours of talking to colleagues of Ben's and other people in similar positions across the state of Texas.
"But, we haven't gotten a chance to finish our conversation."
CJ turned and saw the senator behind them. "Senator Hoynes, I thought--"
"Josh worries too much." He looked at Ben. "Is this your friend?"
Flustered, CJ made introductions, and then found them discussing facts and figures until she thought her head was going to spin off. She kept sipping her wine, and replying when she felt she was permitted to respond. Occasionally, she'd pause to tuck her long, curly hair behind one of her ears. And, then, there were the odd moments when she'd catch Senator Hoynes' eyes.
"Ben, do you mind if I borrow Ms. Cregg for a moment? I had a few questions for her, and--"
"Oh, go right ahead, Senator," Ben smiled. He squeezed CJ's hand and said: "I'm going to go upstairs. Enjoy the party."
She nodded and let him kiss her cheek before he left.
"Just a friend?"
CJ replied: "Yes, just a friend." She tilted her head and asked: "Your wife isn't here tonight?"
"No, sadly, she couldn't make it."
"Ahh."
"Would you like another drink?"
She shook her head. "No, thank you. I'm fine."
"Would you let me show you around?"
"It's a hotel, Senator. I've seen them before."
"The gardens are incredible," the senator worked at persuading her. "You should see them before you leave."
CJ chuckled and shook her head. "I shouldn't... but, it's just a tour of the gardens, right?"
"Right," he agreed. When his hand found her back and when they started to move towards the terrace, he suggested: "Why don't you call me John, when we're like this?"
"Would you prefer it?"
"Yes, but if it makes you uncomfortable---"
She laughed softly. "Very little makes me uncomfortable, *John.*" The way his name sounded gave her a slight case of the shivers.
"What is CJ short for?"
Without hesitation, she said: "Claudia Jean."
Toby and Ben were the only two people outside of her family who knew that as a fact coming from her. She never told anyone what her initials stood for. It made her feel too girlie.
"Beautiful," he murmured.
As he guided her down into the gardens, she began to wonder if this walk was as benign as he promised it would be.
~*~
CJ looked around the spacious suite and wondered how she got herself into this mess. John was on the phone, talking with Josh, and John was doing his best to tell him off without actually telling him off. She crossed her arms and rubbed her hands over their upper halves, as if cold, but she wasn't shivering because of the temperature of her body.
John was a smooth man. He had been courteous and hospitable the entire time they walked and talked through the gardens---which were an incredible sight---and not once had he been improper. He had just been doing enough to entice her, tempting her to make the next move.
And she had.
She had cursed herself silently as she leaned in to kiss him on the lips in the elevator---empty except for the both of them---for falling into the trap. But, she knew that any other time, any other place, she would have done the exact same thing. He was sexy, he knew it, and he used it to get what he wanted when he could.
His lips had been firm, demanding---just like she had expected. When she pulled back, she blushed and apologised, but he cut off her unsteady stream of words with another kiss. This one was deep; he seduced her mouth open and with gentleness she hadn't entirely prepared for, he made her insides melt.
"Come upstairs with me," he whispered when they broke apart.
"John, I don't think it's---"
"Please."
The Texan accent was thicker, more prominent than it had been the entire night. She searched his blue eyes, and wondered how the public elected such a man. Did they know about his seductions? Was she the first? Was she the hundredth?
And then he kissed her again and her thoughts were smashed into pieces as they moved towards the wall. CJ felt the railing under her, digging into her upper thighs, and she felt John on top of her, warming her in more ways than one.
After a series of kisses, she gave in. She never said she'd go out loud, but when her floor came up, he pushed the close door button, and she never said a word, getting off at his floor and walking with him.
His phone had been ringing the minute they got in. Now CJ was wondering if she was doing the right thing. He was married. She was young. He was a senator. He had the drive and means to get into the Oval Office some day.
"Claudia?"
She turned, startling a little. "John. Sorry. I was..."
"Trying to talk yourself into leaving?"
She nodded. "Something like that."
"Please stay," he responded, smiling and motioning to the sofa. "Nothing has to happen," he murmured as he brushed his hand over her arm, to trail over her shoulder, and down her back.
She turned her head and looked at him. "Something would happen if I stayed."
"I like the sounds of that," he smiled, reaching out to brush her hair back after she was settled.
"Shouldn't you and Josh be--"
"I'm going to let Josh spin his tires for a little while," he chuckled. "He works better when he's frustrated."
CJ smiled back at him. "I'm sure he doesn't appreciate you doing that."
"He doesn't..." he trailed off as he studied her soft skin. She blushed under his gaze. "What do you appreciate?"
Unprepared for an answer, she took a moment. When she finally spoke, she wasn't sure how her words were going to sound. "Honesty, happiness, achievement... my toes in the sand... a nice soft sweater to put on when it's raining..."
"Interesting."
"How so?"
"Well, I think I'm prepared to offer you all but one of those."
She raised an eyebrow. "Honesty?"
He shook his head and brought a hand up so his fingers could travel over her shoulder. "No, the sand. We're nowhere near a beach."
CJ laughed. "John, but honesty---"
"I'm being very honest with you," he interrupted. "I'm married. I'm a senator. But, I'm attracted to you. I'd like to see if the feeling's mutual, and I'd like to get to know you better."
"How many times have you done this?" She whispered as he lowered his lips to her neck for one, relatively chaste caress of his lips that she hadn't expected.
"How many do you think?"
"A hundred?"
John chuckled and shook his head. "No, Claudia."
"Why do you call me Claudia?"
"Because I have a feeling no one else does, and I like it. It makes me wonder if you're as tough as you come across."
CJ swallowed a lump in her throat. "I'm not."
"I know," he said softly, gathering her up so she was in his lap. She brought her hand up and caressed his cheek. He smiled and lowered her lips to his for a kiss that reminded her of the kisses in the elevator. Passion, need, desire... they flooded her system in a rush, making her whimper as their lips pressed and tongues licked.
"Will you stay?"
"Not for the night," she replied.
"No?"
"I don't want to be caught doing the walk of shame," she explained, running her fingers through his dark hair.
John nodded and kissed her again. She felt the guilt that had been gnawing at her stomach get blown away as her lust kicked in. Her pulse was pounding in her ears; she wondered if the senator could hear it as well.
~*~
On the bed, John moved so he was over her, their legs intertwined, as he continued to kiss her. She whimpered and moaned each time she felt his erection brushing against her heat, and she knew she needed to find some sort of release before her body burned up.
"Please..." she whispered, lifting her hips against his. He groaned and looked down at her. She smiled a little, and kissed him again as she moved her legs and beckoned him even closer.
When he sank inside of her, she cried his name out. She hadn't expected it to feel so good, even though it was so wrong. He filled her and stirred deeper desires. John kissed her cheeks and lips, waiting for her to make the next move. He was still playing his game; but, this time, CJ didn't care.
"Claudia, please, oh--"
She smirked and clenched her muscles around him again. She might have been younger than him, but she still knew plenty about sex. It wasn't that she was promiscuous, but that she enjoyed sex and had been lucky enough to have positive experiences during her university life at Berkeley.
John was tense. As she ran her hands over his back, she could feel his muscles tightening and quivering. She smiled and bent her neck so she could kiss and suck on one of the sensitive spots on his shoulder.
He groaned and thrust his hips. She gasped against him and felt the impact and the desire behind it. She had already had two orgasms, thanks to John's unforgiving hands and mouth, and she really wasn't expecting to have another, but each time his erection moved in or out of her, she could feel enough friction to push her to the top of another climax.
Fingers slipped between them, making her gasp again. They pushed down a little on her clit, making the tiny bundle of nerves throb and send intense pleasure through her veins.
"John... please... god... just--"
He smiled down at her and covered her mouth with his own, swallowing any more cries of pleasure as he increased the pressure of his ministrations.
She knew she cried his name out when she shuddered under him. He continued to kiss her, stretching the simple touch of lips out as her orgasm endured, making her twitch and sigh.
When she felt more connected to her body, she reached up with her legs and wrapped them around his waist, pushing him completely into her and holding him there. He continued to thrust, and soon, he was crying out, burying his face in her shoulder and taking deep breaths.
Still connected, he looked down at her. She smiled, even though her mind was beginning to take over again and the consequences of her actions were making themselves known.
"Are you okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
"Did you--"
"I should probably get going," she mumbled, torn between wanting to push him off of her and wanting to try to go again.
"Stay for a little bit," he countered, sliding out of her body with a little noise, and rolling her over onto her side so he could look at her while they talked. "Just a little bit longer."
"I'm not spending the night," she told him firmly. "You might be able to protect yourself, but I won't have those means at my disposal and I intend to have a real career someday."
"Your career now isn't real?"
She frowned. "Representing the most idiotic of teen celebrities is not my idea of a real career. It's grunt work. Babysitting. Anyone could do it."
"If you wanted a real career, what would you pick?"
She shrugged. "Communications. Maybe for a news station, or political campaign, or something."
"So you like politics?"
She chuckled. "I like helping people. If it has to be political, then, it has to be political. But, helping people is my goal."
"That's a nice idea."
"Who says it has to be an idea?" She countered, voice tight. "Anyone can help people. It's not that hard to do. You spend so much time in Washington, you become a little untouchable---which is exactly why I think you held this event. Show your state that you really care, shoring up votes for your larger campaign."
John laughed. "You're good."
She smirked. "I know. When are you going to run?"
"And have you leak my intentions to the press?"
"Like the DNC doesn't already now," she whispered, putting her hand up on his chest.
"They don't," he responded. "I haven't made my mind up."
"Liar," she said with a grin.
He rolled her over and attacked her with a rain of kisses, aggressively making his way down her neck and torso. CJ laughed, feeling ticklish, and realised she might be spending the night after all.
~*~
Showered and wearing John's soft sweater and shorts, CJ sat on the sofa and thought out her plan of escape. He was still sleeping, but CJ couldn't sleep. It wasn't in her. She kept thinking about his wife, and the trouble she was getting herself into, and she didn't want to ruin the senator's chances of becoming President. They had only talked about it briefly, after their second round of illicit sex, but she could see how badly he wanted it. She could almost taste it for him.
She knew she had to leave---before he woke up and had the awkward morning-after conversation with her. Before he said things to make her feel important, but unimportant at the same time. Before she wondered if they would see each other again, and have another chance to meet up.
Standing, she looked around for the desk with the traditional pad of hotel paper in its top drawer. After that was discovered, she picked up John's heavy pen off its top surface and scrawled a discrete message:
"Senator Hoynes, thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Good luck with your future campaigns. Sincerely, Claudia."
She read it over a couple of times, before she decided to leave it on the desk. She was doing the right thing; she was giving him an escape, telling him the one night stand was fine, and that there were no hard feelings, no stalker that was going to follow him and demand that he leave his wife. She was going to slip back into the woodwork, and he was going to forget about her.
Her dress was gathered up and placed in a dry cleaning bag, and she found the jeweled flip flops that she had worn that night, grateful that she hadn't decided to wear pumps or some other form of uncomfortable footwear. She had decided on the simple sandals because they didn't add to her height---something men found intimidating.
John had seemed to love it. Maybe because it gave him more of a challenge; she didn't know, and she wasn't going to go inside and ask. She looked around once more, trying to decide if there were any signs of her left in the suite, and then, when she was satisfied that she would be completely gone from the room, she slipped out as quietly as she could.
~*~
CJ looked up from the memo she had been reading, when her assistant came in. "Miss Cregg? Toby's on line one."
Her face lit up. They hadn't talked in months... long before she had gone to Texas. "Great, thank you."
"And you have a meeting in twenty minutes," Stacey reminded her.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." she trailed off and picked up the phone. "Tobus?"
"Would you stop calling me that?!"
She laughed and twisted the phone cord in her fingers. "I'll remember that for next time, stranger. What's going on?"
"I'm coming to California."
"Really?" Her smile stretched until she thought her face would break in two. "You're really coming? Is Andi coming, too?"
"She isn't. She wishes she was, but her firm's working this case, and--"
"Don't worry about it. I'm glad you're coming. What's the reason behind this trip?"
"Some sort of fundraiser. They're booking an entire resort... you know, one of those places with all the annoying cabins."
"And a beach," CJ teased.
"Yes, and a beach," he grumbled. "Anyway, I'll even let you have the big bed, just please say you can come and keep me company."
"Ooooh. I even get the big bed. Pokey, it's a deal."
"Good. Are you happy with EMILY's List?" He asked, kind of out of the blue.
"Yes. Why?"
He sighed. "Andi said she called you a while ago... and you didn't sound too good. You told her you were sick, or something?"
CJ frowned and put a hand over her abdomen. She had decided not to have a baby, and when Andi called, she had been driven home after the procedure that aborted her baby's life. It had been the best thing to do... John couldn't have an illegitimate baby, CJ wasn't going to be his mistress, hiding in a fancy apartment while she raised their child, and she wasn't going to risk having Suzanne Hoynes stealing her child, either. On top of that, CJ had started working with EMILY's List, and she had been busy planning her job working in the entertainment industry when her political contract was over---and she didn't want to lose her shot at success. It sounded selfish, but the bottom line was that she wasn't ready to raise a child---especially a married senator's.
"CJ?"
"Sorry... I was just thinking. Yeah, I was having a bad week, no sleep, and then I came down with the flu. It was awful."
"You know, with other people that might have worked---"
She cut him off with a sharp sigh. "When you get here... we'll talk. Apologise to Andi for me, will you? I didn't mean to be impolite, or anything."
"She was just worried," Toby replied. "So... if I send you the information---"
"I'll book the time off," she smiled. "Don't worry. I still want the big bed, though."
"You've got it."
~*~
Toby put his arm around her shoulders. "So, who was the guy?"
"You don't know him," she said softly. "And it's not important."
He sighed. "The idea makes me squirm... and I know it's your right to choose," he said as they walked along the resort's boardwalk, three weeks after the phone call. "I think you made the right decision, honestly."
She leaned against him. "I still feel pretty awful about it, but I'm just not ready to have a family of any kind."
"Better to wait until you are," he decided.
Having enough of the heavy conversation, although she was relieved that Toby handled the news well, she nudged him. "Wanna go down by the water?"
"Definitely not. Out of the question."
CJ laughed, and tugged on his hand, while striding into the beach. Toby groaned and balked like a little toddler, cursing and wishing she wasn't doing what she was doing.
"Take your shoes off and come down," she said, smiling sweetly.
"Never!"
"CJ Cregg?"
She froze. She knew that voice. Behind her sunglasses, she closed her eyes, and prayed that the senator from Texas was just a product of her imagination.
However, when she heard him greeting Toby, she gave up praying and faced him. "Senator Hoynes. It's nice to see you again."
"Likewise. What brings you here?"
She shrugged. "Well, for starters I live in L.A." That was a ridiculous point. Of course he knew where she lived; he had tried to contact her a dozen times before giving up. She shrugged again. "And, well, Toby had an extra ticket. I needed a vacation."
"I hope you enjoy your vacation. Maybe, I can---"
"Senator!"
CJ chuckled softly as Josh ran up behind his boss, tripping on the loose sand. He looked even more stressed than he did when he was in Texas. CJ wondered if he was the kind of guy who needed to live in Washington, or else his brain couldn't function. Change the background, change the man, she mused silently, as they greeted each other.
The look on Toby's face told her that he wasn't particularly fond of the younger man. She wondered why, and made a note to ask him about it later when they were alone.
"Well," Toby said, possessively hooking his hand under CJ's arm. "We're going to get going."
CJ pouted. "You just don't want to wade in the water."
"You're right, I don't," he responded, making John laugh. "Nice seeing you both again," he called out as he dragged CJ back onto the grass and towards their cabin.
~*~
"Toby," CJ said, patting his arm. "I'm going to go get another drink. You want a scotch?"
He shook his head. "Nah, I'm actually getting tired."
"Mr. Social Butterfly," she cooed, ticking him under his beard. He glared at her, but she ignored him. She knew she was the only one that could get away with teasing him---without being yelled at. "I'm getting more wine. I'm going to drink, find someone to dance with, maybe seduce them into leaving a bigger cheque, and then I'm going to go lie down."
Toby chuckled. "And you're not even one of the girls the DNC hired.... what dedication to her party."
"Toby!"
He grinned and squeezed her hand. "Don't stay up too late."
"I won't," she laughed, moving away from him, and towards the bar. She ordered another glass of wine, and then she was weaving through the crowd, mingling and meeting people. She felt comfortable, since John was nowhere to be seen. He had been in meetings all day, according to Josh, when they nearly collided earlier in the evening, so it wasn't surprising that he chose to bail on the party.
If anything, CJ was thrilled that he wasn't there.
It had been an hour since Toby left, and after two more glasses of wine, she was feeling better than she had in a long time. Two men had asked her to dance, and she accepted both of them, since she didn't have a reason to decline.
When she said her good-byes to the people she had been chatting with, and made her move off of the uncovered patio with the intent of going to her cabin and to bed.
However, as she walked on the path, she saw a familiar figure walking towards her. She cursed. He smiled. "Claudia... happy to see me?"
"Let's not do this," she hissed. "I'm going to bed."
"Right this way," he said, putting a hand on her back.
"Don't touch me!"
Even she didn't believe her exclamation. It sounded weak. She still thought he was attractive; he knew she still thought he was attractive. It wasn't a good combination. John rubbed her upper back and then settled to rest his hand lower, over the back her sundress covered. "I need to talk with you."
"About?"
"A lovely note you left me, some clothes you stole from me, and--"
"Oh, shut up," she muttered, allowing herself to be pulled into his cabin. "Let's get this over with, okay?"
John smirked. "Well, I've managed to get you in here, when you said no... maybe I can persuade you to stay longer."
She snorted and crossed her arms. She had to look firm in her convictions, even though her mind was telling her to screw her convictions and that man as well. "Senator--"
"We're back to that, are we?" He sighed. "Why didn't you stay... or wake me up? I would have let you take my running clothes."
CJ shrugged. "I didn't think of that. I just wanted to leave. If this is because you're upset I didn't let you tell me that it wasn't going to work, well, I'm not apologizing. This is ridiculous. You wanted a one night thing, you got it, and because I'm giving you the space and all that you need, you're going to throw a fit?"
"My, my," he chuckled after she took a deep breath. "Claudia Jean, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a little drunk."
"You don't know any better," she shot back, getting more angry with herself as well as with him as time went on. "I'm tipsy. Goes to show what you know."
"C'mon, let's sit."
She shook her head. "No. That's when you do those things that you do."
"What things?"
"The touching, the sweet looks, the soft voice, and then I'm beginning to think you're not such a bad guy, and well, then we make a mistake again, and next time I might not be so lucky, and---"
He looked at her as she stopped abruptly. "What are you talking about?"
"Nevermind," she muttered, knowing she could never tell him the truth. "Look, I can't--- I won't--- and you should know better."
"C'mon," he insisted. "Sit. I'll get you a bottle of water."
"Senator..."
"John," he stressed.
She sighed and sat down where he wanted her. She heard him moving around the kitchenette, and soon, he returned with two bottles of water. As he opened his, he asked: "Did you enjoy the party?"
She nodded. "Yeah. It's nice."
"You're working for EMILY's List now," he said with a smile. "Give up on the teenaged celebrities?"
"I'm not young enough for them, apparently," she muttered after a mouthful of cold water, which helped her stomach's queasiness. "Anyway, the firm I work for told me I could take some time and do the EMILY's List thing, and then come back and do different things. Films, maybe, instead of people. It might be a nice change."
"How do you like the List work?"
She shrugged. "It's okay."
"Just okay?"
She felt a smile stretch her lips as she looked up into his eyes. "It's better than okay. I love it."
"Good," John smiled back at her, letting his arm fall over her shoulders. She sighed and looked away. "When are you and Toby leaving?"
"Toby's leaving the day after tomorrow... he's going to stay at my place. We'll catch up and have a good couple of days on our own."
"That's nice."
She nodded. "It will be."
"I tried to hire him once," John said offhandedly.
CJ smirked. "He never would have said yes."
"I know. Why is that?"
"He doesn't like you," she said softly, simply.
"Do you like me?"
CJ stiffened. "John--"
"It's a simple question. There could be a simple answer."
She pushed his arm away and stood up. She tried to pace, but the wine was still making her dizzy. "There isn't a simple answer. I've got to go, really, John, this isn't a place that---"
John was up and grabbing her hand as she made her way back to the door. "CJ, don't go--"
"I have to," she whispered.
"No."
"Yes."
"No," he insisted, before backing her up against the wall and kissing her.
She shoved him hard and rushed to the door. "I've got to--"
John came back, pinning her to the door before she could open it. "No. Stay," he whispered, letting his lips hover over hers when he was sure she wasn't going to hit him. "Just one more night."
Images of the hospital, her doctor, the throwing up, the guilty tears--- they all flooded her mind, and she wasn't sure she was ready to experience it all again. When her eyes watered, he wiped the tears away and kissed her again.
"Fuck you," she cursed softly, trying so hard to be strong.
"We can get to that later," he smirked, bringing one hand off the door to work on the dress' tie at the back of her neck.
"John!"
"C'mon, stay..." he tried to persuade her.
"No! I---"
He kissed her, cutting off the protests. She shivered. He was just as good a kisser as she remembered and dreamed about. "Say you'll stay..." he whispered, before licking her lower lip.
Her knees buckled and she had to put her hands on him to keep from falling. "No," she whispered.
John smiled and repeated his actions, licking and kissing her. She moaned. He chuckled. "You know you want to."
In the aftermath of her actions, she would scold herself and yell at him, but as he moved his lips from hers to her neck, she knew she couldn't leave. She didn't have the strength to, and she would resent him for that. But, not at that moment---because she was too busy wanting him.
"I shouldn't," she whispered.
"I won't tell anyone," he purred, reaching up and finishing the job with the tie on her dress.
When his hand cupped her bare breast, she whimpered and closed her eyes. His mouth was on hers, hot and heavy, demanding and offering more pleasure than she had been prepared for. Soon, her arms were around his neck and his were around her waist; they kissed the entire way from the doorway to the bedroom, CJ's feet floating above the floor.
She let him slip her dress off, and then she tugged on his shorts and t-shirt until he took them off. When he eased her onto the bed and crawled up over her, she felt her temperature flare. Each brush of his skin on hers made her whimper. She couldn't believe how he got to her.
He pushed her long curls off her shoulder and kissed her skin, then moving down her body. CJ writhed underneath him, desperate for more, desperate to be put out of her misery so she could move on. He moved up her body, not giving her the release she wanted, but not backing off enough to let her system level off.
"I need you," he whispered, slipping a hand between her legs.
She groaned and felt her hips twitch up against him. "Please... John---"
"So sexy," he murmured, trailing his lips over her jaw and neck. He felt her legs move, getting ready to accommodate him, and he smiled against her. When he moved, though, closer to slipping inside, she yelped and pushed him off of her.
She had panicked. Protection---the word flashed behind her eyes. "No!"
"What the hell, Claudia?"
She took a deep breath and whispered. "Condom. Do you have a condom?"
"Yeah. Hang on. Don't go anywhere."
He was back before a minute had gone by, foil packet in his hand. "Found one," he murmured as he lowered himself down onto the bed. She snatched it out of his hand and opened it, taking the latex out and reaching for his erection.
John groaned as she wrapped her hands around the base of his cock, closing his eyes and leaning into the contact. He felt the condom sliding down, encasing him, and then CJ was crawling over his body so she could lower herself down onto him.
"CJ!"
She smiled and settled herself against him. Without words, they moved, hips thrusting, hands grabbing. John tugged her down for a series of kisses that took her breath away---she knew she was going to have to work on her reaction to him, but with him driving in and out of her, it just wasn't going to happen.
When he flipped them, she squealed and wrapped her legs around his waist. He kissed her and held her as best as he could as they moved together, racing to the finish line. She panted and squirmed; when his fingers reached between them awkwardly, she moaned and arched into him, feeling her climax on the horizon.
And as he pushed harder, she cried out for him and held his body close, tensing up around him. When the muscle contractions hit, she whimpered and shivered. John groaned and felt his own orgasm approaching.
They lay together, catching their breath and touching and stroking their damp skin. John kissed her swollen lips. CJ whimpered and twisted so he couldn't reach her mouth. "No, John."
He lifted his head and saw her tears. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she whispered.
"Are you going to stay?" He asked softly, bringing a hand up to stroke her stomach. With a whining sound, she nodded. He wiped her tears. "Can you tell me why you're crying?"
She shook her head. "No," she whispered. "I shouldn't be here. I should go, and--"
"Stay, this time," he whispered. "Sleep the wine off. Toby's a big boy, he can handle himself."
She nodded and as he wrapped his arms around her, she was already planning to wait until he fell asleep to extricate herself. She was writing a note in her mind... something more firm than the last note, something that would give him the hint that she needed to be left alone.
But, at that moment, she couldn't. He was kissing her shoulder and telling her how beautiful she was. She was going to stay for a little bit longer.
~*~
In another set of John's running clothes, CJ crept across the resort's compound towards Toby's cabin. The sand and grass felt good between her toes; it cheered her up and with the sun rising up over the horizon, she didn't think anything bad could happen.
The feeling evaporated the minute she opened the door and saw Toby sleeping in a nearby chair that was pointed towards the sunny opening. She sighed and stepped inside, shutting the door behind her.
"Wha-- who?"
"Toby, it's okay, it's me," she whispered, slipping past him.
He was quicker, snagging her hand in his. "Where were you all night? What are you wearing?"
"Let me brush my teeth and get a glass of water, and then we'll play this game," she promised. "I just... hey, I'm gonna get a shower, too."
Before he could respond, she tugged hard and freed herself. Soon, she was locked inside the safety of the bathroom, and she could hear him pacing around the room and ordering breakfast. She let her eyes water up and when her knees started to shake, she sat down on the closed toilet and cried.
"CJ?'
She sniffed before answering his call: "I'm going to shower, and then I'll be out."
"Do you need anything?"
"Did you order my--"
"Of course I ordered your fruit salad---grapes, no kiwi, plenty of strawberries, and starfruit. I also got you a boiled egg, some toast, and a few homefries, because I think you were drinking a lot last night."
She wiped her eyes. "You're a good friend."
"I know. C'mon Get cleaned up and meet me out in the living room."
She took a long shower; after the crying stopped, she wanted to make sure she wasn't going to fall apart again in front of Toby. She took her time drying off and putting clean clothes on. As she folded John's t-shirt and shorts, she whimpered and felt her tears return.
"Damn it," she hissed.
"CJ," Toby called out. "The food's here."
"Uh, okay... I'll be out soon."
When she got a grip, fifteen minutes later, she washed her face and stepped outside. Toby was in the middle of his eggs and toast, watching her with careful eyes while he ate. "C'mon, sit down," he said, pointing to the cart with her food on it. "Eat something."
She nodded, picking up a glass of orange juice and sipping it while she sat down next to him on the sofa. "Thank you."
"For the food?"
"For not freaking out."
"CJ... you're my best friend. What's going on?"
She shrugged. "Don't like it when I pick up?"
"Well, there are senators and congressmen, and political aides and all sorts of reporters everywhere," he replied. "I was worried you were---"
"I slept with John Hoynes," she admitted, eyes watering as the words fell from her mouth.
"---in trouble," Toby finished his sentence. She set her glass down and started crying again. "CJ... what were you thinking?"
"I wasn't," she whispered, wiping her cheeks. "I know I wasn't. I just... he was... and I... and it's been so long, and he was so charming, and before I knew it---"
He leaned in close and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Did anyone see you two?"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "No one did."
"Good," he muttered, rubbing her arm. "Did he hurt you?"
"No," she repeated. "It wasn't all his fault, either. I... I fell for it---" she stopped short and wiped her face again. Toby could not know that it happened before. "God, I'm so stupid."
He shook his head. "No, you're not. You just can't do it again."
"I know. I'm not going to."
"C'mon," he said, nudging her. "Eat up, and then we can go to the beach. I'll even take my shoes off and wade in the water with you."
CJ jumped up. She knew she must look really bad, and he must have felt awful for her, because there were only a few sets of circumstances that would allow him to give in and bond with nature. "Really?" She hiccuped.
He nodded. "Really. I won't go swimming, but I'll wade. Eat something, okay?"
She managed a smile and a nod. "Okay. I'll try."
"You look really hungover," he mentioned as she picked at her fruit.
CJ glared at him. "I drank a little last night."
"I know, I was with you for some of it."
She sighed and closed her eyes. Behind her eyelids, she could see John naked, underneath her... she popped her eyelids open and shook her head. "I just want to forget it ever happened."
"Okay," he whispered, taking a piece of toast and dipping it into his runny yolk.
~*~
**A few years later, as Hoynes' campaign for President begins**
"Look," she said into the phone as she read some stats on the Screen Actor's Guild. "I really don't think that the monkeys at the premier is the best way to make the movie come alive. Firstly, there are probably laws about having monkeys running around Hollywood. Secondly, I don't think that it's dignified. This isn't an Eddie Murphy comedy, Lisette. This is a dramatic film about a biologist, and while it has a cast of actors that are smart, beautiful, and witty, not unlike myself, the monkeys dancing around the red carpet in little vests won't complement them! There's another way to do it. Find it, and call me back."
"Well, that was impressive," Josh said, leaning on the door.
CJ, after hanging the phone up, shrieked loudly, and pushed back from her desk. "What the hell?"
"Calm down, CJ," he smiled. "I'm not here to--"
"Is the Senator here?"
"No, he's stuck in a couple of votes. He wanted to come and speak with you, but the votes were pretty important, and I happen to like California."
She chuckled. "I don't know you very well, Josh, but you don't strike me as the sun and fun kind."
"I'm not, but I like movies, and they make those here, right?"
"Did my assistant let you in? Or did you sneak past her?"
"Slipped right past," Josh grinned and came inside. "Seriously, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure thing," she said with a smile. "What about?"
"How would you like to work on a Presidential campaign?"
CJ tilted her head and swallowed. "And by Presidential campaign, you mean Senator Hoynes' campaign. Right?"
Josh nodded. "Yeah. How do you feel about it?"
She shrugged. "You know, I've got seniority here, and I just got this comfy office,,, traipsing around the country isn't on my list of priorities. You'll have to send Senator Hoynes my regrets."
He frowned. "Serious?"
"'Fraid so."
"Well, that sucks," Josh muttered. "Hoynes was hoping you'd come on board. He said you did great work with EMILY's List, and I thought--"
CJ groaned. "Tell him I'm sorry, but I can't. He should understand."
He nodded and backed out of the room. "Yeah. Hopefully I'll see you again soon."
CJ smiled. "No more sneaking up on me, Josh. And, good luck with the campaign."
~*~
**After Toby's surprise visit to CJ's home, during Bartlet's campaign**
Wrapped in a fluffy blue bathrobe, she stepped back into the living room. "So, you're serious about this?"
Toby was pouring them each a drink. He turned, nodding, and handed her a glass. "Josh Lyman suggested it, Leo started looking into your work... even something recent, with monkeys, at Josh's urging." CJ fought the urge to giggle. The premier had been an awful experience. The cast of the movie had thoroughly enjoyed the monkey idea and it went through as originally planned. "Anyway, he wants you. On the campaign, and as Press Secretary."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. I've told you this already, CJ."
"He has a shot? Because I've seen Hoynes' numbers and---"
"Screw Hoynes," he muttered.
She shrieked and stomped her foot. "Toby!!"
He blushed and backed away. "I'm sorry. Bad language."
"No kidding!" She glared at him until he started to laugh softly. Soon, she was laughing, too. She hadn't meant to, but it was a funny moment and it tickled her. For a moment, she forgot about the pain and embarrassment that she associated with John Hoynes. "God, Toby, that was an awful joke," she murmured, giggling as she sat down. "He sent Josh asking me if I'd like a job on their campaign."
"Josh told me. He said you didn't hesitate... said no right away."
She rolled her eyes. "What was I going to do? Work for him by day and keep his bed warm at night, when his wife couldn't make it?"
"No, I just, I mean, it's a big deal, and--"
She shrugged. "I didn't want it. I'm not going to have anything to do with him again. As far as I'm concerned, my slip up didn't happen, and I've been doing well ever since I've stuck to that story."
"Alright, then. So, how about Governor Bartlet?"
"What about him?"
"Would you like to work for him? Help get him elected?"
She sighed. "Does he have a chance?"
"He does."
She sipped her scotch, and looked out the window. She could see her things from work floating in the pool. With a shake of her head, she turned back to Toby and nodded. "Sure thing. When do I have to be ready to go?"
"Our flight leaves in two hours."
"Toby!"
He shrugged. "What? I knew you'd come."
"Did you?"
"You'll be good at this, and I need you with me."
She laughed softly. "Alright, alright. I'll go pack some things."
"New Hampshire's cold this time of year. Bring warm clothes, and--"
"I need to go shopping, Toby! I don't live in a place that snows!"
He grunted. "You used to."
"Yeah, and now, I don't. Goodness, Toby. I can't pack for a national campaign!"
He waved his glass around. "Details, details. C'mon. Get packing. We leave here in forty minutes---tops."
~*~
**Before the Nomination**
CJ grinned as she watched the newscast which was reciting optimistic statistics in favour of Governor Josiah Bartlet. Things were picking up, catching on, and she had a very strong feeling that they would be moving into the West Wing.
"CJ?"
"Yeah, Toby?" She asked, without turning her eyes away.
"C'mon," Josh's voice was heard next. "We have to talk about Vice Presidents."
"Who does the Governor want?"
Toby cleared his throat. "Hoynes."
"Really?" CJ asked, turning away from the television. "You think he's going to sign on for that, or will it just piss him off more?"
Josh smirked. "I think both'll happen. He'll sign on because he doesn't want the party to leave him behind---he wants to President some day. And, having been beaten by an old economics professor who came into the race late will thoroughly piss him off."
Cj nodded. She wasn't in the mood to discuss John Hoynes, but she apparently had to. Their contact had been limited throughout their campaigns, but there were events where they ran into each other, and each time, CJ had been cool and collected, acting like they were barely acquaintances.
"So, c'mon," Toby insisted. "Hoynes is coming by soon, and we need to make sure the Governor's doing this for the right reasons."
"Okay, okay."
~*~
"Hey! Watch out!" CJ growled, rubbing her back after she hit the ground.
"Claudia, I'm--"
"It's CJ!" She muttered, struggling to untangle herself from his arms and legs. "And you can just---" she shifted and John fell more on top of her. "Senator!"
"Hold on, quit moving, and I'll get myself up. You came around that corner so fast, that--"
She interrupted. "Correction. You were the one going around that corner so fast. Don't want to be Vice President?"
"I want to be President."
"Next time," she shrugged. "Now get off of me!"
He smirked. "You know, it's been a while since you've been under---"
"Senator Hoynes---" she pushed hard and shoved him off of her. When he landed next to her, she panted and pushed herself up into a sitting position. Leaning against the wall, she looked at him. "We've behaved throughout the campaign. Why do you have to slip up like that? Forget you know me! It should be easy to do."
"It's really not," he said softly. He sighed and stood up. When he offered her his hand, and she refused, he frowned. "CJ, I'm not going to bite."
"No, you never do," she whispered. "You like to nibble, though."
"Okay, now who's not following her own advice?"
She groaned and took his hand. When she brushed herself off, she looked at him. "C'mon, let's go out onto the patio for a minute."
"Gonna give me a lecture?"
"God, you can be such an asshat sometimes," she muttered, dragging him down the hall and through a door that lead to a private patio.
"An asshat?" He inquired as she shut the door behind them.
She nodded. "Yes, an asshat. Is something wrong? You came around that corner, and--"
"And now you're concerned about me?" He asked mildly with a raised eyebrow.
"Moment of weakness," she shrugged. "Anything you want to talk about?"
He shook his head. "No, CJ, I'm fine. What's with the change of heart? You'll speak to me now that your team needs me for something?"
"You really are an asshat!" She growled. "I thought you might want to talk to someone, and since your family isn't here yet, and since you're not very close with Josh at the moment, I just figured that maybe I could step out of my role of the evil bitch you have me pegged for and offer a helping hand. Excuse me for being wrong about that. Asshat."
"Asshat? You were the one that left that note! 'Senator Hoynes, the next time we bump into each other, we'll be strangers. You don't know me, and if you claim to, I'm going to deny it with every fiber of my being. Goodbye.' And now you want to hold my hand?"
CJ growled. "Fine. Next time you knock me down and fall on top of me, though, I'll just kick you into next year, instead of bothering to ask if you're okay."
"CJ--"
She sighed, put a hand up, and then let him have it. "You've been inside of me for fuck's sake! I can't just forget about you, I can't just say 'who cares?' I'm not like that!"
John coughed, his ears turning a little pink. "CJ, while it's nice to hear that, I can't discuss what I'm thinking with you. It's probably best if we stuck to the rules of your very nice note."
CJ rolled her eyes. "Fine. Whatever." She moved to the door, and paused to look at him. He looked different, more tired, maybe a little hurt. She didn't know what that looked like on his face, so she wasn't sure. "John, you should say yes. Whatever you two were fighting about... say yes. Better to run again after a Vice Presidency."
He nodded. "I know. Thank you, Claudia."
She smirked. "It's CJ, Senator. And, I won't have any more of these moments, in case you're wondering."
As she stepped back into the hotel, she heard John laugh softly, and she felt a smile forming on her face.
~*~
**During 'Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc'**
Another moment hadn't occurred between them. CJ threw herself into her work, and any contact with the Vice President was kept polite, short, and never sweet. Vice President Hoynes was a little bit of a pain, but their first year wasn't much to worry about. However, after standing up in the briefing room and hearing a regurgitation of strange or strained language about A3C3, she was ready to throttle him. He kept pushing... a little bit every time, every bill, every conference, every---
CJ growled and stormed out of the briefing room. She had had it. If she wasn't cleaning up after Josh, she was trying to make the union between President and Vice President seem peaceful, and then he would act like a renegade cowboy and disregard what he was there to do. Three times in a little more than a month. She was ready to hit him hard---she didn't care who he was. He was being a pain in her ass.
After telling his staffer, Stevie, that she needed a minute, she took a deep breath and gathered her strength. He'd be rude and arrogant. He almost made it easier, because then she could be as furious as she wanted.
"Excuse me, Mr. Vice President?"
And they were off and running, she mused as they tracked through the hall.
"CJ," the way he said her name in response almost tied her stomach in knots. Almost.
"Sir, I-I wanted to talk to you for a moment about A3C3," she asserted herself.
He nodded. "Yes."
She started to apologize, and then he was talking to his staffer, Candy. She almost laughed. What a ridiculous name. She watched them interact, and then she found herself wondering if he was sleeping with this Candy. It sounded like the name a secret lover would have... or better, yet, a stripper. But, as CJ looked her over, she realised she would never be a stripper. But, she still had that name.
She jumped back in: "I was saying that had we properly briefed your office...
And, then, he was ignoring her again. Her hand was itching to hit him. He was smiling and acting so smug...
She took a deep breath and tried again: "Sir?"
"CJ," he finally addressed her. "It was nice of you to come find me, but I've been kept in the loop on AC cubed."
'AC cubed,' she thought to herself, suppressing a snort.
"The quote the room is running with is: 'This is the time when the President needs our support.'"
He nodded. "Yes."
"Well, you can see how that might be interpreted---"
He stopped walking. "CJ?"
"Yes, sir?" She responded, even though she really wanted to call him 'Asshat.' His eyes were twinkling, and the small smile that was making his mouth twitch were playing on her nerves. He knew exactly what he was doing.
"I’ve got my own press secretary."
"Yes, sir," she said softly, agreeing. He did have his own press secretary. She was a ridiculous woman with little talent and very little humor. Well, some of the reporters found her funny, and she had to concede that point, but her humor was not as fine or dry as CJ's.
Stevie spoke up. "Sir?"
John looked into CJ's eyes. She felt her insides cringe. He shrugged. "I've got to run."
"Yes, sir," she muttered, staring at him as he walked away.
The rest of the day had been almost uneventful. She laughed about the hiring of Mandy---Josh's reaction had been way too priceless; that man would always make her laugh. He could come across as the scholar he was, but then he'd do something very silly, and she'd forget about the academic awards and political achievements on his scorecard.
Lying to Leo hadn't been something she particularly wanted to do, but she didn't want John to think she was tattling on him. They had had that argument once already, but in front of Toby, who had been handling some event, and John had gotten angry, and CJ had told Toby everything, and it had snowballed from there. This time, she kept her mouth shut.
"CJ?"
She looked up from the memo she was reading and noticed that it had gotten darker. With a sigh, she said: "Yeah, Carol?"
"Sam left, but he dropped off some stuff for you."
"Great, bring it in."
She did, dropping the file on the growing pile of things CJ had to plow through. When she got back to her desk outside of the small office, CJ could hear her phone ringing. A few more minutes, and then Carol announced the call was for her.
After it was done, CJ tried to return to the reading, but she was interrupted again. "CJ--"
She gasped and nearly fell out of her chair. "Mr. Vice President."
He smirked, but didn't come into her office. "I was just talking with Leo... he told me you didn't ---"
She cut him off. "Of course I wouldn't. I'm not your mother --- thank God."
John raised an eyebrow. "Yes, well, I just thought---"
"Don't you have a country to help run?" She asked, voice deceptively sweet. He nodded, before pressing his lips together and walking off.
As he left, she wondered if there was something else to his visit. With Carol right there, she doubted that it would be improper... and after looking in his eyes, she had the feeling, though, that there was something on his mind.
Whatever it was, she silently reasoned with herself, if it was important, he wouldn't let her brush him off.
~*~
**During 'Enemies'**
She knew it wasn't Hoynes who spilled the beans on the fight. She had had her doubts, but... deep down... there was something. Honesty. Maybe it was his sense of honesty. She smirked as she walked down the hall towards the Mural Room, where she knew they were, thinking about the time he told her he was honest. He was married, he had been attracted to her... and yet, he was being honest.
But, then again, that was before the campaign. Maybe he had changed. Maybe he was dishonest, or really honest, or--
She stopped thinking about the honesty-issue before her head started to spin. If she was going to face the Vice President, she wanted to be sharp. She hated it when he plowed her down.
After arriving at the room's entrance, she tracked Candy down, and asked if she could see him.
Once he walked into the hallway, she jumped in immediately: "Mr. Vice President--"
"Yeah, whoever Danny’s been talking to, it wasn’t me, CJ."
She figured as much. But, still, she pushed. "I’d just want to keep it from becoming a story."
Before he replied, she thought she saw a tiny eye-roll, but she wasn't sure. "It’s not a story."
"And I'd like to keep it that way, sir." If she pushed hard enough, she hoped she could trick him into giving her some of the answers no one else would... maybe. Ever since she practically kicked him out of her office, they hadn't been on the *best* of terms.
The tone in his voice shifted, and she could feel his annoyance. "What can I do for you?"
"What happened at the cabinet meeting and how did Danny find out about it?"
He stopped and turned towards her. He was definitely angry now. "Nothing happened at the cabinet meeting and I have no idea how Danny found out about it. Moreover, the implication that I leaked privileged information is stupid as it is insulting. And I’d like to remind you, that whatever regard you may hold from me personally, you are addressing the office of the Vice President."
"Yes, sir."
"Anything else?"
"No, sir," she replied.
As he gathered his staff and left, she watched him, thinking about exactly what regard she held him in. If the rest of the term was going to be like this... she didn't know how she was going to handle it.
~*~
**During the aftermath of Roslyn**
"Sir? Did you want something?" CJ asked as she relaxed. John had scared her. She knew he was with Leo, but seeing him in front of her had made her jump. She had been jumpy ever since the shooting.
He came in and shut the door. "I came by to make sure you were alright."
Her eyes widened and she dropped her pen. He stooped to pick it up. She cleared her throat. "Sir?"
"We're not getting along, and maybe we'll never get along. But... what did you say to me once?" Before he continued, his voice dropped. "I've been inside of you, and I can't not care."
"Something like that, Sir," she said, blushing a little.
"Did you need anything?" He asked.
She shook her head. A bath and a long nap would happen later---much later. That was all she wanted at that particular moment. Well, that and news that Josh would be okay. "No... thank you, though. For checking on me, I mean."
"I'm glad you weren't hurt," he said softly. "And I'll be praying for Josh tonight."
She nodded and bit her lip. "Thank you, Sir. We all will."
His eyes widened as she moved. "CJ? What happened to your neck?"
"It's nothing. I... I was pulled to the ground. My necklace came off, and I got scratched."
"P-pulled to the ground?" He looked like he really was concerned, CJ realised. "Were you--"
She cut him off. "I'm fine. Really, just shaken up."
John nodded, understanding. "If you need anything, though, CJ... I know we're all busy, but if I can, I'll try to help."
"Thank you. I'd ask---" she sighed and shook her head. "If I ask you even to hold my hand right now, I could fall apart, and in order to do my job..."
"I understand," he said with another nod. "Take care of yourself, Claudia."
"Yes, John," she said softly, looking down at her feet as he left the room.
~*~
**After 'Stirred'**
"I'm a recovering alcoholic."
CJ looked around the room. Not even Josh knew. She looked back up at John. He nodded silently when he met her eyes. It explained why she was always the drunk one, before, but she couldn't believe he hadn't told any of their staff---except for Leo---until now.
"Since when? If I'm allowed to--"
He smiled. "Since I was twenty-two."
Her jaw dropped. "Twenty-two?"
"Yup."
She confirmed it: "You haven't had a drink since you were 22?"
He looked up at her and she could see the amusement dancing in his eyes. Sure, it was a serious thing, but she couldn't wrap her brain around it! She couldn't have made a decision to stop drinking while she was in college---she had been pretty sure that the drinking had gotten her through her undergraduate degree.
"That's right,"
Not knowing what else to say, she pointed out: "Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped your face."
She almost burst out laughing, when he smirked and said: "He did once."
Josh stepped in, talking about the real world, and the real campaign problems, and CJ slipped back into her role of senior advisor. They were talking, and every once and a while, John would meet her eyes. It felt as though he was checking her, to make sure she was okay, maybe, or... well, she didn't know.
At the end of a very long meeting, CJ slipped out with the others, and didn't find herself very surprised to be snagged by John and following her into another room. "CJ?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Was it too much, or--"
"It was the truth, right?" She asked. Baffled, he nodded. "Well, I'm glad you're not still drinking, and both offices can now work together for a better campaign---now that we're on the same page."
He nodded. "Yeah, you're right."
She looked into his eyes and managed a smile. "Your office is probably wondering where you are."
"Actually, I'm supposed to meet Suzanne tonight. She's coming back from the ranch..."
CJ pressed her lips together. "Sir, you really don't need to stand around and babysit me. I'm really fine."
"Really? Because sometimes when--"
"Are you going to go hold Josh's hand next?"
"No," he shook his head, smiling a little again.
She smirked. "I appreciate your concern, but, really... I'm fine."
"Okay."
She paused in the doorway. "Sir?"
"Yes, CJ?"
With a small smile, she said: "I never wanted to replace you on the ticket, for what it's worth."
He smiled back. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Goodnight, Sir," she said as she walked out of the room and headed back to her office.
~*~
**During 'Life on Mars'**
"Does he do these things *just* to piss me off?" Josh ranted as Toby quietly paced around the room. "I mean... Suzanne's hot! She's old! But, she's hot! She wasn't enough!?"
Toby cleared his throat. "Josh. Calm down. Hot has nothing to do with it."
"I'm sure it helps, though," CJ spoke up, rolling her eyes. "He made a mistake, his hands got caught in the jar--"
"We're still not 'for sure' on this, though, right? I mean, I've never heard of or seen him do anything remotely close to cheating on his wife! How can we know? Do we know?"
At first, CJ would have asked the same questions as Josh. As Joe pointed to the words written on his pad of paper, as the gossip columnist rambled on and on about his career, she had felt her stomach tightening. Not their Vice President. He wouldn't!
But, then, she had to remember that he had, with her. And, then, she realised that the chances were high that he had done it again.
"Josh, I'm pretty sure," CJ said softly. She looked up at Toby, who was listing questions to ask her once they were in private. She could see them forming in his head.
"Damnit!" He cursed, still pacing. "We've got to talk to him. And, well, we've got to--"
"We need to calm down, and we need to look for any information that would prove us wrong," Toby interrupted. "Then, we'll go over there, with Joe. His meeting's at what? 7:30?"
CJ started to say that she shouldn't go: "Toby, I don't think---"
"You're coming, too. The staff. Everyone except Will. He doesn't know him. He knows us."
"All of a sudden you're concerned for--"
"CJ!"
"Okay, okay," she sighed. "Look, can you two give me a minute? I need to sit down and process this."
Josh slipped out without any more urging. Toby paused. "How are you doing?"
"Good. I had a doctor's appointment today. Guess I'm going to miss it."
"Reschedule for tomorrow," he advised. "Seriously, though, are you okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah... I mean, yes, I'm fine. Listen, would you give me a minute? I have to reschedule my---"
"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. After he was gone, CJ poked her head out the door and told Carol she wanted to speak to the Vice President.
Soon, Carol popped her head in the office and said: "He's on line 1."
Waving to Carol to close the door, she said: "Hello, Mr. Vice President."
"CJ, you never call me, so this must be important."
"Yes, it must be..." She paused. "Look, John, I know about the book deal, and that appointment with Joe Quincy, is about it and some questions I've been getting, and--- I'm handling this badly, but, I just wanted you to know we know, and soon, everyone else is going to know, and---"
"Helen?"
"Yes."
He sighed. "Claudia... I never thought she would do this... she seemed..."
"Honourable?"
He sighed again. "Yeah."
She frowned. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm a wreck... ever since reading the paper this morning," he said, ending with another sigh. "I guess I deserve it. But--"
"No one deserves to be in that book," she cut him off, voice softer than she knew it should have been. "I'm really sorry this is happening, for what it's worth."
"If it was your book, you would have cut me to shreds," John reasoned. "I suppose I'll be lucky that Helen will make me out to be some sort of... I don't know."
"Studmuffin?" CJ offered.
"Something like that."
"You'll be okay?"
"Eventually..."
She frowned. "Are things with Suzanne really that bad?"
"I don't know," John muttered. "We've been fighting more, but--- Claudia, I shouldn't be talking to you about this. It's got to be odd, and--"
She interrupted. "You should talk to someone. I don't want to sleep with you, and I'm pretty sure you don't want me anymore, and while I'm supposed to be the enemy, I can listen."
"Yeah?"
She nodded, even though he couldn't see it. "Yeah." After a beat, she asked: "Are you drinking again?"
"I've thought about it," he admitted.
"Really? Have you told Suzanne, or--"
"No," he replied. "I thought if I could just..." he trailed off. "It didn't work."
"You know, you never told me state secrets."
John chuckled. She smiled at the sound. "No... I didn't know any then. I didn't have anything to impress you with."
"You impressed me," she admitted. Toby came to the door and pointed at his watch. She sighed. "I have to go. But, I can come over with---"
"You don't have to," he whispered hoarsely. She wondered if he was crying. It seemed so out of character for him. "Just... thanks for giving me a heads up."
"Yeah," she replied. Before she hung up, she added: "If you need to talk, call, okay?"
"Yeah, thanks, Claudia."
"Good-bye," she murmured, before hanging up on him.
~*~
**During 'Life on Mars'**
She hadn't seen him in a long time. She hadn't been in his office since... she couldn't even remember the last time she was in his office. Maybe never, she realised, as she looked around the dark room. She never would have wanted to come here on her own.
He looked at CJ. She could see how badly he was doing. He was still holding his head high, but there was something missing...
She listened to him talk, realising his voice had never sounded so broken. They had argued, they had slept together, they had continued to argue, and she had never heard that vulnerability in his voice. It frightened her---and she didn't want to admit that.
Quietly, when he had turned his back, CJ excused herself first. She wished she could comfort him, because it was in her nature to fix things and to heal people, but there was nothing she could do for him.
Toby caught her arm and pulled her back, away from Josh and Joe. "You called him?"
"I did," she murmured. "He didn't deserve to have a bomb dropped on him."
"Did you--"
"Don't finish that sentence," she growled softly, freeing herself from his grip and walking back to her office.
~*~
**During 'Slow News Day'**
"CJ Cregg touts her right to adopt"
She couldn't believe it. Did someone tail her to her doctor's office?! And then, if they did, they would have had to get their hands on her records to know exactly what was going on. Even her doctors didn't know what was going on. She had had some menstruation cycle troubles for years, but it was progressively getting worse, and when she finally got around to rescheduling her appointment, around Zoey's disappearance and return, tornados, and so on, her current doctor asked her about her medical and sexual history.
So, she had seated herself and recounted everything---including the abortion she had pretty much repressed into a nonexistent memory.
The doctor---Dr. Pam Smythe---pressed her ruby lips together and looked down at CJ's chart. She asked about caffeine, nicotine, and her family history.
"Way too much, not anymore, and I have no idea if there's something there..."
"Okay, CJ. Do you mind if we do a hysteroscopy?"
"Why do you--- what is that?"
"I'd like to put a small camera into your cervix. See what's going on in there."
CJ listened to her go on, explaining that she thought her almost-forgotten abortion's dilation and curettage caused some scarring. Scarring could be the cause of her discomfort, or it could be something as simple as stress. If it was scarring, which was very possible, she could have difficulties getting pregnant.
"I don't even want to get pregnant," she murmured. "And now you're telling me I might have troubles?"
"You might," Dr. Smythe answered honestly. "So, I was hoping we could do the scope check now, and if there is scarring, we could try to clean it up---"
She was cut off by CJ's cell phone. It had been Toby, and she needed to get back to the office.
Days later, during the slowest news day she felt she had ever endured, she heard the news about her adoption quest, and quickly changed it into a sperm donor story, because not only did she want it to seem more ridiculous than the first story, she didn't want anyone thinking she couldn't have children.
Toby had come in, asked about the cabbage, and then said: "Sorry about the baby story."
He didn't know. She didn't have a chance, or a reason, to tell him. He had enough problems with Andi trying to conceive, so she knew he would understand, but she knew how stressed he had been, with the State of the Union, and she didn't want to be a burden.
So, she shrugged, and replied: "Yeah, it's okay."
It really wasn't. She had never thought about having children. When she found out she was pregnant before, she had freaked out. There was no way she could have been a mother, she assumed. But, after the years had gone by, she realised that maybe, someday, if the right person came along, children might happen. But, without knowing for sure if she was scarred, or if it was something else that was causing her cramps, she didn't know if they'd ever happen.
She looked out of her apartment window that night, and stared out over D.C., wondering if she'd be doomed forever, or if after this administration, she'd be able to have a family life of some kind. The series of men in her life didn't give her much to bank on for the future; but, she still had some small strand of that hope, and she held onto it all the time.
~*~
**During 'Full Disclosure'**
"I really can't comment on that."
Of course she couldn't comment on that. She couldn't! How would she know if the President asked John Hoynes to stick around? Neither man had mentioned it to her. President Bartlet didn't know about her affair with him, and if he did, he definitely wouldn't have said anything. John didn't tell her about their talk; the senior staff met with John before he went to see Leo and the President, and even if it had been beforehand, he still wouldn't have said a word.
Would the President have told John to stick it out? Who knows! She couldn't give any other answer. She stared at the annoying Taylor Reid, jaw clenched, heart pounding.
Then, the thought hit her: why was John the focus of an article? The thought only made her heart pound more. She had behaved, she hadn't asked for anything, and they hadn't had any contact in almost a year. Nothing. No fights, no pep talks, and certainly no more sex. Why now? Why this? Why him!?
She came back and Toby asked if she was sure she wanted to handle it. She told him she was, but deep down she wasn't sure. Seeing John would have a lot of memories pop up, a lot that she had suppressed and apparently dealt with. He left and she said down in her chair, thinking about how she was going to handle it.
A one-time only response to the article in the Press Room would be the best way to handle that, she realised. Get a copy of the article, if she could, and then go over it with Leo and the President, making sure that what they were quoted as saying and what they actually said were differentiated and clarified for the press.
She straightened her shoulders and headed off to Leo's office.
~*~
**During 'Full Disclosure'**
The article. She needed to see the article. Sitting with the Greg Brock, she felt her stomach tie itself in knots over and over again. He wasn't going to let her see it. Why? She was a subject of the piece. How could she be the subject of a piece? His piece, no less? She felt her heart fluttering, and she wondered if she was going to pass out. She prayed that she could hold it together until Greg left, but she really wasn't sure.
When he mentioned Hoynes' book deal, she almost fell out of her chair. There was no way her reputation would remain intact after that book... she worried herself sick until Greg dropped the disk on the floor, exchanged a few more words, and then left. Her stomach flopped the entire way to her desk, and clenched when she put the disk into the drive.
She read it once. She wasn't mentioned in the extramarital affair capacity. Yet. While she wiped away tears of relief, she reminded herself that she could still be in the book. She read it over again, and then felt pangs of guilt because she was relieved that John was attacking the President and Leo and not her in any way, other than being their spokesperson.
Carol asked how bad the article was, but CJ couldn't say anything. She hid in her office, crying at times, while she worked on her strength. She had to be composed and calm when she saw the President and Leo... when they read it and prepared their arguments against the article. Against John...
She had pulled herself together, but when she announced in the Oval Office that John was getting a book deal, she saw the look in Toby's eyes. Concern. He knew; he was worried about the same things she was worried about: President Bartlet's Press Secretary Had Affair with Past-Vice President John Hoynes. The headlines, the Press Room... it would be awful.
She couldn't breathe easily. Toby kept looking at her, letting her focus herself into his eyes. She managed a soft look, and then turned back to the rest of the group when she felt better.
They moved to Leo's office to discuss strategy, and while they were talking about producing a list of John's mistakes, she cringed. She didn't want to play dirty with him if she didn't have to. She wanted to tell the guys that she should just go, find out if she'd be making the headlines, find out if there will be any more mudslinging, and then decide from there, but she kept her mouth shut.
Leo didn't have to know. The way he kept looking at her made her wonder if he knew, but Toby wouldn't have told.
She told them she'd take the lists to him, and then she ran off to do her briefing. She had to prepare a statement that would stop the press in its tracks. Or, at least make them think twice about continuing forward.
~*~
**During 'Full Disclosure'**
"Good briefing."
CJ could still hear Toby's words in her head. That pair, followed by his offer of the drive. Of course, if he drove her, she'd lean on him. She wouldn't be at her best.
She parked her car outside of the law firm John was reportedly working for, and stared up at it, wondering what office was his---which was a ridiculous thought, but it passed the time while she gathered her strength.
After finding out what floor he was on, she went straight to the receptionist. "Hi. I'm CJ Cregg. I'm here to see the Vice President."
The shorter brunette smiled. "Of course you are. He thought you would be dropping by."
CJ snorted. She walked away from the girl, thinking that her name was probably Taffy, or Baby Spice, or something like that. Then, she wondered if Taffy was on the list, too. The list of women that had slept with John.
"The Vice President will see you now," Taffy broke through her thoughts after a few minutes.
CJ nodded and followed her into his office. He was working, writing something. Maybe his book, she mused silently.
His face lit up when he saw her. "Hey, CJ, great to see you."
"Mr. Vice President--"
"Oh, come on with that title, I think we're back to John now, don't you? How have you been? You look great, just great," he placed a hand on her arm, and she felt memories crashing over her. "Please, sit down---"
If she didn't know any better, she would have thought he was nervous. "I don't want to take up too much of your time," she started.
"Hey, I'm the only lawyer here who doesn't have any clients yet so I've got all the time in the world. Sit, please."
CJ studied him. He really did sound nervous. She almost laughed. Instead, she held out the papers. "You should take a look at this list." He looked down, took the papers and read them once he put his glasses on. CJ watched his brow furrow and his lip twitch. "If you're going to continue to rehabilitate yourself by throwing mud and lies at the President---"
He interrupted her. "CJ, you can stop. I get it." He tossed the lists on his desk. "You mind if I keep this?"
"Please do," she responded. "You can give it to whoever's ghostwriting your book."
"You can tell the President he doesn't have to worry about the book. I'm not going to try to make him look bad. I'm just trying to get this scandal behind me so I can move on with my life."
She would have admired his plan. However, the fear that trashing her mistakes was part of this plan kept her from doing so.
"Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" She asked, voice as level as she could manage.
"Well," he replied. "I'm going to call it Full Disclosure." CJ's heart started pounding harder in her chest. "What do you think," he asked, "Good title?"
She steps towards him, not drawn to him, but instead showing him that she wasn't afraid. "Am I going to be in the book?"
"Yes." HIs answer did nothing to stop the pounding. "Not mentioning you would be kind of strange, don't you think? I mean, after the President and the Vice President, you're the most visible person working in the White House."
"I'd prefer not to be."
He caught on. He pressed his lips together and nodded. "CJ, you've got nothing to worry about. I promise."
She looked into his eyes, trying to find that honesty he claimed to have. If he had called her Claudia, she thought she would be more inclined to believe him. But... they were beyond that. It had been a year. And now, they were in the trenches, squaring off against each other.
With a deep breath, she turns and walks to the door. Then, she had a thought, and had to act on it. "What are you going to do in the campaign when the stories start coming out?"
"Those stories?" He asked, motioning to the list.
"No, the other women."
"I haven't decided to run, I really---"
She plowed on. "Because there have been other women, right? Lots of them, right?" She watched his face change. She didn't know if it was surprise, hurt, anger, or just amusement... she couldn't read him. "Because the way you came onto me..." she shrugged and started thinking back. "Way too smooth, way too practiced..."
"CJ, that was ten years ago. I'm sorry---"
She didn't want his apology. That was the last thing she wanted. She wanted to know she would be safe from slander. She wanted to know the other women would be safe. She wanted to know the President would be safe. "When you run for President, the press is going to find some of those women, and if you try to attack them," she began to threaten, "If you get your opposition research team working on them, if you try to destroy them, if you try to say they're all bimbos and liars... then I'll be standing right there with them, and I'll be ready to take anything you or your people throw at me." She paused and breathed. "Anything. So don't make me tell the truth about you, because it will be the whole truth."
She stormed off and made it as far as the elevator before she heard footsteps behind her.
"CJ, please---"
She spun around. "I'm not joking, John."
"I know you're not. I wouldn't... I don't think I'm going to run."
She snorted. "Yeah, right. John, c'mon, you wanted to be President so badly I could taste it for you ten years ago. That desire has only gotten stronger."
He tilted his head and when the elevator opened, he followed CJ inside. She glared at him, backed up against the wall, and took a deep breath. He asked: "Did you?"
"Did I what?"
"Did you taste it for me?"
She blushed and looked away. "That's not the point. Look... your character's going to come up. Whether you were lonely and neglected, or just sex-crazed... it's not going to matter. You cheated on your wife. Lots of times, right?"
"I'm not getting into numbers with you," he said softly.
"Well, have fun getting into the numbers with the press," she said dryly. "But, leave me out of it. You've put me through enough the first time you decided to get personal."
"Did I break your heart?"
She snorted. "Oh, you wish! Hardly! No, no, you broke a whole bunch of other things!" She felt her throat close up and she turned her head. "Stupid scarring..." she whispered to herself.
"Claudia?"
Oh, there was the name she wanted him to say, even though she was supposed to be the enemy. She looked up and watched as he stopped the elevator. "John, start that up again. I have to do some work back at the office, and--"
"What are you talking about?"
"I can't tell you now," she muttered. "I'm supposed to be the threatening one firing the warning shot." She reached behind him and pushed the button to resume the elevator's journey. "I'll talk to you about the other stuff some other time. If you're good. Maybe. Even then, you'll be pushing it. For now, keep in mind that I will shut you down."
The doors opened and she pushed past him, silently cursing herself for being so weak.
~*~
**During 'Full Disclosure'**
Once composed, she walked back into her office. She tossed her bag into one of the chairs in front of her desk, and sat in the other, sighing loudly. She couldn't believe she fell apart in the elevator. But, when he mentioned breaking... everything hit her. She didn't want him to know about what she went through, without considering him in the process... she didn't want him to know.
When she heard the knock, she knew it would be Toby. Only Toby would stay this late, waiting for her. Josh would have lost focus and slowly made his wayward way home. Leo would be too busy with other more pressing matters. The President didn't even know what she was up to. Only Toby would be there for her.
"You okay?"
No point lying. He'd figure it out anyway. "No."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"No."
"Okay."
She took a few deep breaths. "What do I need to catch up on?"
He walked closer. "The President signed a school vouchers bill for D.C."
CJ snapped her head up. There was no way Toby was serious about this. "You kidding? I leave the building for an hour and he switches parties?" She sighed. "You need a press release?"
Had it been any other day, he would have demanded it. Instead, he touched her shoulder and said: "Nah, it can wait. I'll be in my office."
Before he left, she pulled him back. "Toby?"
"Yeah?"
He started to move to sit down. She started talking, because she needed to expel a little of what she was feeling. And Toby was there for her. "There is no night of my life I regret more than that one."
"You don't have to explain it," he said quietly. She hadn't been able to explain it before, and she still couldn't. She wondered if he'd ever demand an explanation.
"I wish I could," she responded. "But, I can't explain it. I knew he was married," she looked into his eyes. "I knew it. I always thought women who do that... if I could take back one moment of my life, it would be getting on that elevator," she trailed off. Moments later, she added: "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize to me."
She smiled sadly. "I don't have anyone else I can apologize to." She quickly changed subjects: "I'll come back to your office in a few minutes and we can work on the release."
Toby nodded. "Sure."
She tried to stand up after he left, but had to sit, not feeling very steady. She called Ben on her cell phone, and listened to him talk about the old days, accepting a date with him because she needed to get out. She needed to see someone who didn't know about her illicit past. He didn't have a clue about that night. She lied through her teeth, and as far as she knew, he bought it.
She needed something simple.
Ben had always been simple. No aspirations for government, no secret relationships... nothing she couldn't handle.
~*~
**Back to the future...**
"CJ... talk to me, please."
"Toby, I don't know if I'm ready to." She looked down at the release notes in front of her.
"So, it happened twice?" She shifted her weight. He got up and shut the door. "CJ, please. I want to help."
She smiled up at him through blurry eyes. "Thanks, Toby, but I really... I can't explain it. I told you. I have never been able to explain it. I screwed up. Big time. And--" she stopped and shook her head. "The first time... I... I don't know what I was thinking either time. After the first time, in Texas... I was rude, and I suppose that was why he wanted to talk to me in California, and one thing just lead to another."
"Texas... the parks thing you went to with Ben, right?"
"Yeah."
He tilted his head and studied her. "You had an... emergency between the two events."
"You're still sharp as a tack, you know that?" CJ replied dryly, reaching up with her pen to scratch something down in the margin of the release. She heard him growl, and she almost laughed. Of course she wasn't going to break down and tell him everything right away. He knew better than anyone that she was going to make him work for it.
"CJ, please... I just want to know. I want to help."
She turned and looked at him. "Yeah, I did have an abortion between those two events. I told you that before, though."
"Was it Hoynes' baby?"
She turned away and underlined something, as if it was important. He sighed. "CJ. Talk to me, please."
She whispered. "I have scarring in my cervix because of the abortion... I might not ever be able to have children again. Because ten years ago, I was stupid and did the unthinkable."
"Well, having his child wouldn't have been---"
"I didn't even talk to him about it. I left him this note when I left... came home... found out weeks later, and just had it done." Toby nodded, but didn't say anything. She was glad he was letting her talk about this, deep down. "There was this one perfect moment in the cabin... I could have told him... but I chickened out, blamed my tears on the guilt of what I had just done again, and waited until he konked out so I could sneak out."
"What happened when you saw him tonight?"
"I confronted him. I did a damn good job of it, too. He kept looking at me with that confused smile that men wear when women say things they don't know how to respond to."
"Are you in the book?"
"He promised I have nothing to worry about. If he found out... about... I don't know if he'd include it or not. The one shot at a Hoynes' heir. Destroyed by a process politicians have been fighting about for years."
Toby got up and sat at her feet, setting them over his lap. "You did good."
"I know I did," she sighed. After a beat, she added: "He followed me to the elevator. We had a more personal talk... nothing happened... I... almost told him again. But, then, how threatening a warning shot would I have been if I cried and told him the worst news he would probably ever hear, next to 'Hoynes, you can't run for President?'"
"I can't believe I'm saying this. But, you need to tell him."
She shook her head. "No, I don't. This is my thing. My body, my thing."
"It was half his thing, too," Toby reminded her, rubbing her calves before getting up and sitting at his desk again.
~*~
CJ smiled as Ben opened the car door for her to let her out. She unfolded herself, and stood, a little taller than him. Her height had never mattered before, but, she wondered if it did. She had those thoughts with every man she was involved with.
"Are you ready?"
She nodded, and took his arm. "Yes. Let's go."
They walked into the building. CJ wondered when the last time she had come here without the President's entourage was, but couldn't find an answer. She smiled the entire way in, as they made small talk, but when she heard her name, and the voice driving it across the room, her smile faltered.
"CJ!"
"Is someone calling your name?" Ben asked, looking around.
CJ shrugged and patted his arm. "I doubt it. C'mon."
Halfway through the first act of an opera that CJ really didn't care too much for, she saw a steward coming down the aisle. He stopped at her seat, the first one in the row. "Excuse me, Ms. Cregg?"
She groaned and looked up at him. He looked calm, cool, collected, discrete, competent... everything the Kennedy Centre was paying him to be. "Yes?"
"You have a message," he said as he handed her a piece of white paper.
"Thank you," she murmured, as he left, as she opened the note up.
"What's that?" Ben asked in a whisper.
"Nothing," she lied after folding the paper and putting it in her purse. "I have to make a call. I'll be right back."
She kissed his cheek, and slipped out of her chair. The walk up the aisle to the exit doors was a reluctant walk and she tried to use it to formulate what she was going to say, but the "Claudia, please meet me on the terrace" message was making her heart pound and her mind blank.
"CJ," John said when she stepped out into the night.
"I'm here on a date," she told him. "I can't be out here too long. What do you want?"
"I got your papers," he said softly. "The package you sent me at work. I... I wanted to talk to you about them."
CJ's eyes watered. Instead of telling like Toby advised, she sent him copies of her insurance, medical charts, prescriptions during that time that she kept copies of, that were linked to the abortion, with a little note. "John, no... let's not do this."
"Why not?" He asked. "You've had years to deal with this. I haven't. I didn't even know!"
She frowned. "I still haven't really dealt with it, and there's a lot I'd like buried."
"Let's talk..." he whispered. "Please."
"Why?" She demanded, waving her hand around. "So you can seduce me again?" She hissed. "If you put this in your stupid book, I swear to God, I will kill you."
He grabbed her hand and pulled her close. She was in his arms before she could push him away. "I would never put this in my stupid book," he murmured. "The actual book is going to be pretty boring." She snorted. "Can we please talk about this?"
"Are you upset?"
"I wish I had known," he answered softly. "I wish I could have helped you mourn."
"If wishes were horses..."
He smiled and kissed her cheek before she straightened out of his arms. Looking into her eyes, he smiled. "I have quite a few horses already."
"You know what I mean," she muttered.
"I do."
She sighed and checked her watch. She had been gone too long already. Ben would be wondering where she was. "John... after the show. An hour after the show. You can come to my apartment."
"You'll let me in?"
"Yes," she nodded, figuring she was acting against her better judgment. "But, there will be no sex."
"My divorce isn't final yet," John replied, not quite answering the question.
"Like that ma---"
He cut her off. "It does now. I'll see you later, Claudia."
~*~
CJ sighed and sipped her coffee. It was way too early, she decided. John had been over until some time around three in the morning, talking with her. He held tissues and offered one when she started to cry, and when she needed to lean on him, he wrapped his arms around her and soothed her.
They grieved together. She had never had such closure before. She had never heard John Hoynes apologize so much, either.
"CJ?"
"Carol... is it my meeting? Because you're pretty early if---"
"You have some flowers here," she replied. "Are they from Gentle Ben?"
CJ groaned and almost said out loud that she wished they weren't. But, instead, she smiled, and said: "Bring them in, then."
A long box. She gasped softly, and did so again after lifting the lid. The card said: "Thank you for trusting me, Claudia," and she knew who they were from. Not Ben. She smiled and looked at the roses, a multitude of colours.
"CJ? Starting a flower shop?"
She looked up into Toby's dark eyes. Carol spoke up: "She went out with Ben last night."
"Oh, really?" Toby smirked.
"Carol, would you get my notes together?" CJ responded. "Toby? Do you have something for me?"
"Yeah, his Sunday address is about ready. They'll air it soon," he came in and shut the door. "We're here way too early for a Sunday."
"No kidding," CJ snorted, looking at the roses.
"Who are they from?"
She sighed. "John."
"John? Hoynes?"
"Yeah," she replied.
"What... did you tell him the truth?"
She nodded silently, and looked out over the mix of colours. "Yeah. Last night. He was at the opera."
"You told him during intermission?"
She rolled her eyes. "No. I sent him a note with some proof... a couple days ago. He happened to be at the opera, and we spoke after. He came over."
"Did you two--"
"No, Toby, we did not pick up where we left off. You know, I never have, and even if I wanted to, he told me right off the bat that his divorce wasn't final yet, and apparently it matters now."
"What?"
"You heard me," she muttered.
"Wow. That's a switch. He's trying to behave now?"
She shrugged. "I guess. Trying to look good for the campaign. Who knows. I don't... he's more believable now. Or something."
"You know," he said after he cleared his throat. "Roses have meanings, depending on their colour. Maybe he's trying to tell you something."
CJ stared up at him, mouth open, as she tried to figure out how to respond. Toby smiled and opened the door, disappearing back into the bullpen.
~*~
"So, I did some research," CJ started as she came into Toby's office the next day.
"Yeah? What about?"
"Dark crimson, mourning; deep pink, thank you; light pink... I think it's admiration; then there's a normal pink... I'm pretty sure that means 'please believe me.'" She took a breath. "There's one red one... I really hope it doesn't mean love, and it's more like simplicity or something---but who wants to be thought of as simple? They're all thornless, which supports the love thing. Might be love at first sight. He's really not doing well here. And then the white... innocence, but the bloom's of the rose there, ha! or Secrecy and silence. I hope that's what it is. There's a champagne coloured rose, and that represents tenderness. The yellow rose is what has me the most confused. Some sources say infidelity, some say friendship, or happiness... but--"
"Texas."
"What?"
"Isn't there a song or something about a yellow rose from Texas?"
"Oh yeah," she replied. "Forgot about that. So, what do you think?"
"I think he's being very nice. It worries me."
"Me, too," she agreed. "But, they're pretty. If he put that much thought into them... well, I've never had anyone put that much work into a bouquet of roses for me."
Toby smiled. "Not even Ben?"
"No, not even Ben. Who's supposed to know about nature, I might add."
"He was a park ranger! Not a botanist or---"
"Oh, hush," she cut him off. "You know what I mean."
He chuckled. "I do." He looked her over. "What are you thinking?"
"I don't know what I'm thinking," she replied. "All I know is he's being very nice to me." She shrugged. "Maybe he's trying to butter me up so I won't come after him with those other women..."
"You threatened him?"
She nodded. "I had told him... if he went after those other women, with stories about how they're crazy and bimbos... I'd go after him in the same way."
Toby grinned. "You're fun when you're fired up."
"No kidding," she smirked.
~*~
**6 months later**
CJ looked down at the ring on her finger and smiled. She looked up at Ben. "You're crazy."
"Look," he smiled back. "I'm happy. You're happy. We're together, and I think this should be our next step."
"Well, then," she grinned, even though she wasn't sure how happy she was. "I should say yes. Let's do it very soon."
He laughed and pulled her into his arms. After a quick hug and kiss, CJ tugged him towards her bedroom, feeling like she wanted to celebrate. She was going to get married.
~*~
**3 months later**
"Toby," she spoke into her phone. "I'm on the steps to my building. I'm going to go home, see my husband, work some of this issue out, and then I'll be all yours."
He grumbled. "I liked you better when you were single."
"Yeah, yeah..." she muttered. "Look, things have been weird since the crisis, and I have a feeling it's because I'm always at work. I've got to fix it."
"Tell him to call me, and I'll fix it."
She smiled. "He's my husband. Not yours."
"Call me later."
"I will," she promised, closing the cell phone, and stepping into her building. As she walked to her apartment, she thought about how the past nine months had changed everything in her life. She and John had started talking again, but that changed when she was proposed to. John backed off, sending her cute e-mails every once and a while, to which she'd reply, but they never saw each other. She knew he was busy. It really looked like he was going to campaign. The book was going well, advertising was hailing it the most exciting administration book in years. Ben's work was going well, and they had been getting along so well. Marriage heightened it. CJ felt for the first time in a long time that someone wanted her for her. But, when Ben suggested children, things began to crumble.
She didn't know if it was the trying to have children, and her lack of fertility, or the discussions they'd have about numbers, gender, and the big house Ben wanted to buy. But, over a month... things had become very strained. The sex was still great, but he refused to use a condom, and when she suggested she go back on birth control, he freaked out. They would never have children at this rate, he growled, pacing around the living room. She tried to comfort him, trying to prepare him for the chance that she could never conceive, but it didn't help. It almost made things worse, if that was possible.
And, then, the President found himself involved in some sort of war with terrorists. CJ had to be at work more and more, sometimes crashing on Toby's sofa, because it was longer than hers, because she was afraid to leave the office. Too many nights of just getting in the door and having to leave again had occurred.
"Ben? Honey? I'm---"
She saw the wine glasses on the table. Each used, one with lipstick on it. She didn't wear that colour of red. It looked too orange on her. Immediately she feared the worst, because he never brought people to her home. Her home. This was her home and he was entertaining a woman in it. She took a deep breath and proceeded down the hall towards her bedroom.
"Ben," the soft, breathy voice said. "Do you hear footsteps?"
"No," he replied. "My wife's never home at this time anymore."
"Poor guy," the stranger pouted behind the closed door. "You're too cute to be alone."
CJ heard a moan---Ben's---and then the rustling of the sheets. He chuckled. "I'm going to get that wine. I'll be right back."
She backed up, back into the kitchen, where she was standing with her arms crossed when Ben came in. "CJ? What are you doing here?"
"I told Toby I was taking a couple hours to come here and see you. See if I could start to fix things."
"CJ..."
She shook her head, refusing to cry. "No. I was wrong. This is really beyond repair. I'm just going to go back to work. They need me there."
Ignoring his cries for her, she turned and walked out of the apartment. She made it into the stairwell before what had unfolded before her really hit her. She had to sit, crying softly as she accepted the blame for Ben's infidelity.
"Claudia?"
"Oh, god," her stomach lurched. "You have the best timing ever."
"I came to give you a manuscript of the book... so you could... be prepared... and approve of disapprove of your mentions. I just printed it off my computer," he replied. "I--- what happened?"
"I know how Suzanne felt," she whispered before tucking her face into her knees.
John sat next to her and wrapped an arm around her. "CJ... I'm so sorry. What happened?" She shook her head and continued to cry. "Please, you should tell someone."
"Not here," she replied. "I can't. I have to go back to work, and---"
"Let's go to my place. My office even. We can sit and you can tell me."
"Why do you care?" She asked, looking up at him with a tearstained face.
He wiped her cheeks. "Well, I'd like to think we've become friends. Finally. And, friends do these things, don't they?" She nodded. He added: "Plus, I'm a lawyer. We could figure out what you want to do from here."
She snorted. "You're not going to be my lawyer."
"Friend, then?"
"Yeah," she whispered. "I need to calm down before I go back to face the press."
"Okay. Where do you want to go?"
"A bar?"
He smiled. "My place it is, then."
"John!"
"You're not drinking now. You have to brief the press."
"Bite me," she muttered. "I should take the wine that's in the--- no, you're right." She wiped her eyes. "Did you really bring the book?"
"Yeah. My publisher hasn't even seen it yet. I thought... I thought I should let you see it first."
She whimpered. "Am I in it?"
"Read it. Tomorrow. If you can. Then, we can go out and talk about it," he replied. She nodded and let him pick her up. Setting her on his feet, he said: "Let's go out for a bit and talk," he suggested, reaching into her coat pocket and taking her keys. "I never knew you had a blue Mustang."
"I do," she sniffled.
"I'm going to drive, okay?"
She nodded, knowing she was too upset to drive. "Okay."
"My place, or office?"
"Place," she whispered. "I don't want anyone else to see me..."
~*~
After her glass of water, CJ told John what she had seen, and what had happened beforehand... the angry talks, the fertility problems, her staying at work... everything. He held her, and listened carefully to every word. He was being very nice, and as she brought a hand up to his chest, she told him so.
"You need a friend, CJ, and I owe you," he murmured in reply.
"You don't owe me. We had an affair. Ten years ago. And--"
"And we've been working out our differences."
She sighed. "I guess. I just... well, since the wedding, we haven't---"
"I've been busy writing my book."
She laughed softly. "Yes, you have."
"You'll read it and let me know what you think?" He asked. She nodded. "Good. I won't send it to the editor until you've given it the OK."
CJ gasped. "You're..."
"Crazy?"
"Very nice," she decided. "You don't have to."
"I still remember how freaked out you looked," he admitted. "I... I don't want to hurt you."
She nodded and leaned up to kiss his cheek. "Thank you," she whispered. "I don't think I could handle anymore hurt right now."
He turned and looked into her eyes. CJ found herself blushing. He had changed so much since she had last been in this position, and if anything, he looked more handsome. She pressed her lips together, considering her options. Slowly, she reached up and pressed her lips to his.
"Claudia... we shouldn't... you're---"
"Can you just pretend that you love me?" She asked, while silently wondering why the words were so eager to be said. "Just for a little while. And, then I can... feel stronger."
John nodded, adjusting his position so she could sit in his lap. She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. She rubbed his stomach idly with her hand. John whispered: "I should take you back to work, or--"
"Don't kick me out, yet, please."
"CJ---"
She cut him off, moving quickly and kissing him. He groaned and when she shifted, he allowed it. She smiled against his lips and brought her hand up to run her fingers through his much shorter hair. When he brought his hands over her back and then lower, she groaned, too, but the sound was swallowed by his mouth.
"You're a better kisser than I remember, if that's possible," John whispered.
CJ chuckled. "It's possible. I've gotten better over time."
"Well, well..." he had been smiling, but it disappeared slowly. "CJ... we've had a fight, we've been trying to work things out, and now... you're upset, and I don't want you to think that I'm taking advantage of you or whittling my bedpost down again."
"You've changed," she commented. "There was a time when you were---"
"I know. I've changed. I... after Helen, I straightened my life out. Really."
"But, you wanted to drink--"
He interrupted. "I went back to rehab, had more counseling, and... Suzanne and I still weren't working things out, so we divorced."
She nodded. "Wow."
"And I don't want you to think--"
"I'm trying to take advantage of you," she muttered. "Let me?"
"It won't---"
CJ cut him off, kissing him again. She smiled as he reacted, hips moving up into hers, creating more friction for both of them. John moaned and helped her out of her suit, and when she tried to undress him, he helped her again. Naked, on his sofa, CJ smiled at him, and tugged them down into a new position, so she was lying on her back and he was on top of her.
"CJ, should I go find---"
"I can't get pregnant anyway," she whispered. "I've been trying. Or Ben's been trying, or--"
As she stopped to cry, John kissed her again. He nuzzled her neck and spent some more time caressing her body, trying to get her to relax. When she felt calm and completely at ease, he slid into her, and she yelped, pulling him closer.
"John... please..." They started moving. CJ's cries became more insistent. "Harder, please... John... oh!" She gasped when she felt his fingers traveling. He squeezed her breast, and then he trailed lower. She whimpered and thrust back against him, desperate to feel warm and loved.
On the precipice of her orgasm, she cried his name out, and held onto him. He kissed her lips and then her neck, in that way he remembered that she enjoyed. She gasped as he reached his climax, the feelings inside and around her entirely too much for her to process.
As she stilled, she felt John moving away, placing kisses over her body. She sighed and put a hand in his hair. After an eternity, he moved back up, and kissed her lips. She smiled. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Are you going to leave me a note this time?"
Her smile stretched. "Noooo."
"I think that's good."
"It might be," she murmured.
"Do you want to come back here after work?"
"Why?"
He shrugged and adjusted his hold on her. "Something tells me you're not going to want to sleep in your bed right now."
"And where are you going to sleep?"
"With you?" He suggested, hopefully.
She smiled. "Maybe. If you're lucky." When she heard her cell phone ringing, she groaned, and looked around the room for her briefcase. "John, I need to get up, and---" she grasped it in her hand, and as she opened it, she settled back down next to John. "Hello?"
"CJ? Oh, thank god! Toby didn't know where you---"
"Ben?" CJ replied. "What the hell are you---"
"CJ, please---
She cut him off: "Look, I don't want to talk to you right now."
"Please? I made a---"
"Damn straight you made a mistake!" CJ barked while she trembled. "We haven't even made it to a year yet. Not even half a year! The first sign of a national emergency, and you run scared! This isn't the first one, and it's not the last, and you couldn't stick around!" She closed the phone and tossed it onto the floor. "Grrr!"
"Was that your husband?"
CJ nodded. As John's words sunk in, her eyes started to water. "Oh, god... I just... I Just did... I just did what he did, and what you did, and ohhhh... I'm just as bad as---"
John gathered her up. "You're not. You needed to feel something other than the hurt he inflicted on you."
"Why are you being so nice?"
He smiled. "You make me want to be nice. Especially since you came into my office and yelled at me," he admitted.
"Oh."
"C'mon," he suggested. "Let's go get a shower, and I'll be nice some more, and then you can go back to work."
CJ, while her stomach was tight with guilt, knew that that would be the best offer she'd receive all night. "Okay," she agreed.
~*~
The United States of America could take comfort in the fact that they had a competent President. The crisis, thanks to President Bartlet, Leo, the Joint Chiefs, and everyone else with clearance to the Situation Room, had been resolved, and while CJ expected her life to settle down, it had done anything but.
She and Ben had divorced. It was relatively quick, but not painless. Ben felt bad enough that he didn't want to force her to try to work things out... she took advantage of his guilt and kicked him out of her apartment. They didn't talk anymore, but she heard he was still living in D.C.
Meanwhile, John was becoming a private personal fixture in her life. Any time they spent together was at his apartment, talking and getting to know each other, since they had never done that before. She stopped sleeping with him, and he respected her wishes. It didn't stop the desire she felt for him. She wondered if she would always want him. Luckily, he was respecting her wishes, and refusing to tempt her. She appreciated it, because she knew that if they did decide to have a relationship of any kind---emotional or sexual---they would have to have a long talk about the past and the present.
As for the book, it was fine. A nice political memoir that covered his reasons for wanting to get back into the political ring. CJ wasn't mentioned in it, except in a senior staff capacity. She and Toby were both pleased and relieved.
"CJ? We have new flowers."
She looked up at Carol. "New flowers? Nice. What colours are they?"
"I haven't looked yet."
She grinned and opened them. "Red, dark pink, light pink, and champagne. Nice," she murmured as she inhaled their scent.
"Who's the card from?"
"Never you mind," CJ winked, setting them in the vase that had become a permanent fixture in her office. She made a mental note to call John later and thank him.
"Are you feeling up to giving a briefing?" Toby asked.
CJ nodded, subconsciously patting her stomach, which had been acting up all morning. "Yes, sir," she winked. "I'm fine. Don't you worry about me."
"Are you back in your place yet?"
She nodded again. "I am."
"Good. I didn't like the idea of you staying in a hotel."
CJ bit her lip, debating on whether on not she was going to tell him where she really stayed the entire time. "Toby..." she gave in. "If I tell you something... will you stay calm and not spaz out on me?"
"I'll try," he said as he shut the door. "What is it?"
"I didn't stay in a hotel."
"I know."
"What?!"
He shrugged. "I called your cell phone once, and Hoy-- John answered. I was spooked, and I hung up."
"He didn't tell me you called." She pressed her lips together and then added: "I was staying with him until the paperwork went through."
"Yeah, I figured," Toby nodded, shuffling his feet. "What's going on?"
"Nothing right now... I mean... when I saw Ben with---" she stopped and shook her head. "He had been coming over to give me the book. He took me back to his apartment... and I... I definitely took advantage of him. He was there, he was familiar, and he was single... it seemed perfect. Since then, we've actually become friends."
Toby raised an eyebrow. "Is that even possible with him?"
CJ nodded. "I think it is. Well, I hope it is, anyway."
"Are you two still..."
"No, no, we're not. Not at all. He's being really great."
"He's still sending you flowers."
CJ smirked. "He is."
"Have you two talked about---"
"We haven't talked about anything yet, from the past or right now. We haven't had time. He actually has clients right now," she trailed off and chuckled. "And, I'm busy here. Do you know how busy you keep me?"
"Very," he said with a smile.
She nodded. "Very indeed."
"C'mon, let's go," Toby nudged his head towards the door.
"Briefing time," CJ called to Carol as they walked past. "Call them in, please!"
~*~
"So, you're here to cook?" CJ asked, mouth open in surprise, as John came in with bags of food. Then, it dawned on her: "My kitchen... it's a virgin. John, you can't! It's not ready for a deflowering."
John almost dropped the bags. "Are you serious? You've never used this kitchen?"
"I never have time to use this kitchen," she protested.
"Oh, are you for real?" He inquired, admiring the appliances. "For this building, it's pretty well-equiped. You never use it?"
"Never," she replied, helping him into the bright room. "Well, I use the fridge and microwave, but that's about it. John... are you really going to do this?"
"Yes," he nodded, grinning.
"And... may I ask why?"
"Because I felt like cooking, and I didn't want to cook for one. I thought two was a good number, and since we're becoming friends, you naturally popped into my mind."
She laughed softly. "Alright then. C'mon in. Do you want water or juice or--"
"I'd love some ice water," he told her as he set up the ingredients on the counter.
She moved around and got two glasses. After handing his to him, he leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Thank you." She blushed and stepped away. As he pulled the mushrooms out, she felt her stomach turn. She always enjoyed vegetables, and mushrooms were no exception, but watching him run them under water, she knew she was turning a little green. "CJ, are you okay?"
"I'll... be right back," she murmured, rushing off to the bathroom, where she proceeded to throw up.
Soon, John was in the bathroom doorway. "CJ, are you okay?"
"Yeah," she whispered, standing up when she felt it passed. She rinsed her mouth out with the glass of water he offered her. "That was so weird."
"What?"
"I saw the mushrooms... and got... really sick."
"Well, I won't put them in the omelets, then," he smiled. He checked her over. "Are you sure you're okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I feel better already. Just hide the mushrooms before I come back, okay?"
"You've got it."
Later, she came back into the kitchen and sat down at her table, watching him cook over her stove. He smiled at her over his shoulder and said: "So I was thinking..."
"Uh oh," she teased, sitting down.
"Hey, now," he laughed. "What about we go out in public together?"
Her eyes widened. "What? You want to--- what?"
"Well, I thought you were getting used to me in private, and maybe we could go for a run or a leisurely stroll or something."
"You're serious," CJ whispered.
He nodded. "I am."
Her eyes narrowed. "Is this some stunt to hurt the President? Because if it is... I won't be a part of it. I really won't John. We've been getting along and I'm starting to believe that we really can be friends, and---"
"Hey, hey," he interrupted. "I'm not trying to hurt the President."
"You're still going to run, though, aren't you?"
He nodded. "I am. Nothing's changed there."
"So, being seen with me won't exactly hurt your chances," she pointed out. "Press Secretary, former Veep, and current contestant on---"
"CJ!"
She stopped and looked up at him. "I don't know if I can trust you. You're John Hoynes... I mean... you know what I mean. I can't just say: 'Excuse, Leo, my boss, and Mr. President, my boss' boss, but how do you feel if I start going on public dates with the Vice President, you know, the one you can't stand, the one who cheated on his wife and then resigned, and who most recently is known for writing a book about---"
"You read the book. It was decent."
She nodded. "It was."
"And you cheated on your husband."
She groaned. "Throw that in my face why don't you."
"I'm not the only one in the wrong here."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah," he countered.
"How many times have you cheated on Suzanne?" She asked, crossing her arms.
John's eyebrows jumped up. "You want to have this conversation now, while I'm deflowering your kitchen."
"One more notch on your bedpost?"
"Claudia!"
She cringed at the tone in his voice. "Okay, sorry. I'm just... I don't want to get hurt."
"Do you consider me a friend?"
She nodded. "Yes."
"Good. I'm not going to hurt you. Promise."
She wagged a finger in his direction. "You can't promise that." When he raised an eyebrow, she said: "Seriously! You can't!"
"Well, I'm going to try very hard not to from now on," he countered.
She smiled. He sounded very sincere. He wasn't the same man that she had always taken him for, and this new side or new personality intrigued her. She nodded, and then said: "Okay... I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but, how many women have there been?"
"Five. While married to Suzanne."
CJ released the breath she had been holding in a loud sigh. "I was expecting... seven---"
"Only seven?"
"Hundred," CJ finished. "Serious? Only five?" John nodded, and turned back to the onions he was cooking. "But, you were smooth and waaaay too good to--"
"You were only the third."
"You're either a fast learner or naturally charming," CJ muttered. "So, one on the campaign, and one in office? Please say that's what it was, because if you slept with two people while you were in office, I don't think I could---"
He interrupted her. "Relax. You're right. One on the campaign. One in office. You were from my Senate period. The other two were from my early law days."
"Did Suzanne know about them?"
John shrugged. "I don't know. Helen was the only one she found out about from me directly."
"Oh..." she nodded. After a minute, she asked: "If we go for a run... you promise not to go too fast?"
John smiled. "I'll even take breaks if you need them."
She laughed softly. "I won't need a break. Don't worry."
"Tomorrow morning? Five?"
"Sounds great to me," she agreed. She sniffed the air. "That smells good."
"It'll taste even better," he replied with a smile. "Where are your plates?"
"Oh..." CJ stood up and went over to a cupboard, pulling out two large plates. "Here," she said, setting them down by the stove. "Did you want anything else to drink?"
"Nope, water's fine," he answered, putting the eggs onto the plates. She watched him move to the toaster and take out the toast, and he set that on the plates, too. "Here you go," he smiled, handing her one of the plates.
When she took her first bite, she moaned in appreciation. "Yum."
He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
She nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, really. Where'd you learn to cook, cowboy?"
He laughed. "We had a nanny, growing up... and she would make us cook if we were misbehaving. She'd teach us a new meal every day. Or, rather, she'd teach me a new meal every day."
CJ grinned. "Misbehaved lots?"
"Oh, yes," he replied after swallowing a bite of toast. "My sister never got into trouble. And, my brother was only there for a year or two, before he went to college, so, he didn't get many lessons."
"I didn't know you had family," CJ replied softly.
"Older brother, Tom," he said with a nod. "Older sister, Janice."
"Which makes you the baby?"
He chuckled. "Yes, I'm the baby."
"What are they doing now?" She asked, genuinely interested.
He shrugged. "Tom is... he's training, showing, and breeding quarter horses. Big scale operation. He and his students compete all over the country. Janice... she's married, has four kids. Her husband's into technology. I think he owns a computer company or something."
"Nice," CJ smiled.
"What about you?"
"Brothers," she replied. "I spend most of my family time, though, with Hogan, my niece."
"Hogan?"
She nodded. "It's a different name. My brother's a golf fan."
"Do you play golf?"
She laughed. "No, no. That would take coordination. Something I've never possessed much of."
"I find that hard to believe," he responded, smiling back at her.
~*~
CJ smiled at John. He asked: "Want to slow down?"
"In three weeks of running together, have I ever asked you to slow down?"
He laughed softly as they rounded a corner in the sidewalk. "Yes, the first time. Since then? No."
She grinned, and kept up with him. Every other morning, for three weeks, they've met up and gone running before she's had to go to work. Since she had stopped exercising because of time constraints, she jumped back into physical activity with energy, looking forward to it because it gave her a reason to stick to the plan. Spending time with John was getting to be a habit of hers, and she wasn't sure she was ready to break it, or if she ever would be.
"You're ringing," John pointed out, after a few more minutes.
"Damn," she cursed, pushing the button on the headset cord so she could answer her phone. "Hello?"
"CJ?"
"Leo?" She replied. "What do you want? I'm not late yet."
"CJ... are you running with Hoynes right now?"
She gasped softly, but her stride didn't falter. "Yes, I am. How do you know this?"
"You're on the morning news," he answered. "I'm watching you right now, on TV."
CJ nearly tripped, gawking around her to see where the camera was. "What? Really? Geez! Slow news day! Where's the camera?"
"I think it's somewhere ahead of you. Maybe in a car," he said. "Anyway, can I ask why?"
"You're being silly," she said back. "Everything's fine."
"You know how this looks..."
She sighed and slowed down a little; John sensed the speed change, and adjusted his as well. "Yes, yes I do," she muttered. "But, it's not what you think. I don't have to justify myself to you, especially over who I go jogging with. And especially not at this hour. Can it wait?"
"I'm just saying... divorce and then a new man, who's going to be running for office---"
"Leo! I know all of this!" She growled. "Stop watching the television, okay? And get some real work done. I'm not going to do anything inappropriate!"
She hung the phone up and picked up speed. John groaned. "CJ?"
"Someone's filming us. It's on the morning news. One of those morning shows that shows the streets and sidewalks or something, probably."
"Really?" He asked, glancing around, trying to find the camera.
"Yeah, really," she muttered.
"Nothing inappropriate's gonna happen?" He teased, looking sideways at her.
"No! It's not!" She smirked. "You are not going to get lucky today."
"You know, I haven't gotten lucky for quite some time," he countered. "Maybe today should be my lucky day."
"John..."
"I know, I know." He replied. They were coming back to her apartment, so they slowed down to a walk. "Besides, if I was going to get lucky, with you, we'd have to have a long talk first."
"Wow, took the words right out of my mouth," she responded with a smile as she stretched her legs out. "We're going to have to have that talk anyway."
He nodded. "I know that, too."
"Okay," she smiled. "Good. Really good. So, we're on the same page?"
"I think so," he smiled back at her. Before she could react, he picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. "C'mon, let's get you inside before the press track us down for questions."
"John!" She laughed, swatting his back with her hands. "Put me down!"
"Nah," he chuckled, jostling her as he walked up the steps of her building. She shrieked and held on.
~*~
CJ came into work and settled down in a chair in Leo's office, since their staff meeting would start soon. Josh came in after her. "So, CJ, dating Hoynes?"
"I'm not dating Hoynes," she countered with an annoyed glare. "We're running together. That's all."
"How'd this happen?" Leo said, coming in by passing Margaret's desk. "I mean---"
"After I went to fire the warning shot," CJ replied. "And don't worry, it was a perfectly good warning shot. He just... got annoying, and it's easier to hang out with him than fight him off. When Ben and I split up, he was a good friend, and he helped me with my divorce, which doesn't suck."
"But---"
"Plus," CJ added. "I got to see a copy of the book."
"What?" Leo jumped. "Really?"
Josh looked at her. "Do you have it?"
She lied. "Nope. He let me read it, though. He mentioned maybe giving me a copy before it goes into print."
"And?" Leo asked, bracing himself.
She smiled. "It's fine. It's well-written, and honest, but not too arrogant."
Toby came in as Josh snorted. "He's waaaay too arrogant. CJ... c'mon, there had to be something wrong with the book."
"Well, I wasn't mentioned nearly enough," she grinned. "But, it's good. He talks about the good things he did while VP, he talks about why he screwed some of the bad things up, and he discusses at great length why he wants to be President. It's candid, honest, and I think it'll be a bestseller."
"Anything about Helen?"
She shrugged. "Only that he was wrong, and he wished he hadn't had an affair during that point in his life, or something like that."
"Were there other women?" Josh demanded.
Toby jumped in. "Josh, that really isn't our---"
"No," CJ answered confidently. "She was the only woman besides his wife that he slept with during his time in office here."
"You know for sure?" Toby asked, looking surprised.
She nodded. "I asked. He told me."
"He could have been---"
"He wasn't lying, Josh," CJ cut him off. She sighed and looked at her watch. "I've got a phone meeting soon. Is there anything more pressing we need to discuss besides my running partner?"
"That's the main focus of this meeting," Toby said softly. "We think there will be questions, now that you two have been on TV."
CJ groaned. "We've managed fine for three weeks without questions."
"No comment?"
She looked at Josh. "You know that's not going to fly. I'll tell the truth."
"The truth?" Toby blinked.
She nodded. "Vice President Hoynes and I have been catching up on old times, since he's moved back to D.C."
"And what do you mean by old times?" Josh asked, as if pretending to be a reporter with a followup question.
She shrugged. "Well, Katie," she watched Josh glare at her and almost laughed. "We've been talking about the fun times we've had in the White House. You know, bills, legislation---"
Toby cut her off. "It's fine. Go ahead. I wouldn't say fun, but..."
"Whimsical?" CJ smirked.
"Noooo," he glared. "But, you know what to do."
She nodded. "I do."
"And if the book comes up?"
"I haven't seen it," she said, simply. "Are we done? There's nothing going on. We're friends."
"You weren't friends before," Josh reminded her.
"Oh, I know we weren't. Now, we are. Things change. We're moving on. We're moving past the animosity," she growled.
Toby watched her as Leo moved onto the other things they had to discuss. She looked back at him and managed a smile, which he returned slowly. At the end of the meeting, they walked out together. He mumbled: "Him carrying you on his shoulder was a really nice picture."
"Toby..."
"I'm just saying. You two are getting awfully close."
She nodded. "He deflowered my kitchen a few weeks ago."
"Wow... you let him do that?"
She nodded again, smiling as she walked into her office to take her meeting.
~*~
"John..."
"Yes, Claudia?"
"You know... I've been thinking..."
"Uh oh," he laughed.
She lifted her head off of his chest and poked him. "Hey, you."
She settled her head back down. He laughed more and when he quieted, he said: "Okay, I'm listening."
"It's all out of your system?"
"Yes."
"You sure? Because I don't want you laughing halfway through, and---"
"Claudia, I'm not going to laugh, but if you keep this up, I might start to."
She growled. "Okay, okay."
"So, you're going to start telling me what you're thinking?"
"Yes."
"Now?"
"Yes."
"Okay," he smiled. "What's on your mind?"
"We've grieved about the baby, and we've been making some sort of peace, and I don't hate you anymore for anything---making my life difficult at work, the affair, the book, the article, the... all of it."
"I'm glad you don't hate me anymore. I don't hate you, either."
"Good," she smiled. "So... I was thinking... maybe... you're not so bad after all. You make me laugh, and you cook in my kitchen... and you're cuddly, surprisingly. And, Leo and Josh have stopped whining about us running together every morning, and---"
"Is this your way of telling me you're fond of me?"
"Maybe."
"Really?"
"If this was my way... how would you respond?"
He tightened his hold on her. "Well, I'd have to tell you that I enjoy making you laugh, and cooking in your kitchen. And... I think there could be more here. We'd have to take it slowly, though."
"You're not the same man at all."
"I want you to trust me."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
"That's nice. I want to trust you, too."
"No rushing into anything," he declared firmly. "And when you're not comfortable..."
"I'm comfortable," she sighed, drumming her fingers over his stomach.
"CJ, I really---"
"We've been doing this for how long? The talking, the eating, the hanging out?"
"Long time."
"Yeah," she nodded. "And, I know that I helped you cheat on your wife... but... we're different people now."
"Knowing you now," he added. "I can't believe I seduced you like that."
"You were very effective," she told him. "I never thought I'd be that woman, but... I... you were good."
"You were attracted to me."
"John?"
"Yes?"
"Most of the women of America are attracted to you. You're very attractive."
"Really?"
She groaned and poked him again. "Yes, really."
"But---"
"And maybe I was flirting a little... maybe I wanted to see if I was still attractive. Ben... god... being there with him at that fundraiser had been hard, and---"
"I can imagine. Maybe we were meant to be?"
"Doesn't explain the other affairs."
He sighed. "Right."
"If we decide to do this, you're not going to cheat on me."
"I won't."
"You can't promise that."
"I can," he countered. "When I went back to rehab, I managed to find a way to handle the stress and pressure and insecurity and---"
"Insecurity?"
"I need confirmation that I'm a good guy."
"It didn't make you a good guy."
"No, it didn't. But, that was the drive behind my behavior."
"So you're cured?"
He chuckled. "No... I'm just learning how to manage my feelings."
"Really? How?"
"I run more... I take pleasure in simpler things... I look back and focus on the good things I've done as a lawyer, a senator, and the Vice President. And, I think about the good I want to accomplish as President."
"Why didn't you do that before?"
"I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, CJ. And, there always seemed to be an easier way to deal with that."
"Your reputation..."
"Took a hit, I know."
"We'll build it back up," she whispered. "I'll help. Not from the podium, but I will help."
"So... you're willing to give us a real try?"
"If you are."
He reached for her and pulled her up so she was looking into his eyes. "I am," he murmured, before caressing her cheek. She lost herself in the contact, shivering slightly, until he leaned up and kissed her softly.
"Mmmm," she hummed, before breaking the kiss.
John reached behind him and turned off her bedside lamp. "C'mon. You need your sleep."
"You're no fun," she pouted.
"We're doing this slowly, remember? I don't want Leo blowing a fuse any time soon."
"Right," she laughed softly, cuddling under his arm.
~*~
"CJ? Why are you looking at me like that?"
She smiled and watched him watch her as she came into the room. After a month of secretly working on the romantic elements of their new relationship, she was beginning to realise that they might have a shot. She didn't always enjoy the political side of his life, but he was so enthusiastic that she couldn't be anything but supportive.
They weren't living together, but they were spending enough time at each other's apartments that they might as well be. John had been asking about going apartment hunting together, but CJ hadn't been sure about it. She hadn't had time to really consider it—until that morning, when she had her doctor's appointment.
It seemed odd. Her body had been changing... at first, she assumed it was the running, but when Dr. Smythe---the same doctor who told her she might never have children---told her that she was pregnant, she realised exactly what had been going on.
"Okay... so... I went to the doctor today."
"Yeah? Did you find out what's been making you sick?"
"Yes," she nodded, still smiling.
"Are you going to tell me? Because if I have to run around disinfecting everything---"
"I'm pregnant, John."
John's jaw dropped. "What? I thought---"
"The scarring makes it difficult... maybe it was Ben's sperm count or something. Or, maybe yours just has great endurance."
He chuckled. "Maybe."
"So... we're going to have a baby."
"I'm going to have to marry you," he responded, standing up to meet her in the middle of the room.
She giggled softly. "Really?"
"If you're up to it," he added.
"I am," she nodded. "We're going to have to speed up our relationship, though."
"You're going to have to tell the President," he pointed out.
"You can come with me," she replied, smiling. She paused. "Toby's going to freak out."
"He knew about---"
She nodded. "Yeah. The only one. As far as I know."
John looked down and put his hand on her stomach. "We're really having a baby?"
She nodded. "You'll have your Hoynes heir after all," she whispered.
"I'll have more than that," he reminded her.
"Really?"
"Yes, really," he smiled, bringing her closer so he could kiss her. She grinned and wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning into the kiss as the feeling that everything would be okay wove around her.
The End!