Goggled

Disclaimer: Mine no! CBS, Anthony Zuiker et al Yes! Pity :o(
Spoilers: Strip Strangler and LHB
Dedication: To Jac for picking up the slack once again when Aby was too ill to do so And to Vividlyblue1 for giving me back my inspiration
Author's Note: This is a follow up to Strip Strangler but it's set about two years later.The premise being what if Syd Goggle had a friend who had taught Him everything he knew? This is my Challenge Alphabet fic for the Letter R for Revenge.


Chapter 5

The next night, as they came out of the locker room all ready to get back into the case, they were all surprised to see lights on in Grissom's office. Thinking it would be Catherine taking advantage of the quiet; Warrick stuck his head around the door to greet her and stopped dead.

"Griss? He exclaimed startling the rest of the team, "what the hell are you doing here, shouldn't you still be in hospital?" He heard a chuckle coming from the direction of the sofa and saw Catherine sitting there, she had a flush of annoyance on her cheeks.

Grissom glared at the strawberry blonde, clearly trying to keep her quiet. Warrick thought it was possible that they'd been arguing about the blue-eyed man's precipitous return to work and said nothing. "I was under the impression that I was working, why?" came the glib reply

Nick and Sara pushed Warrick fully into the room so they could follow him in and see what was going on. "I thought you were supposed to be in the hospital for a minimum of forty-eight hours and then were on sick leave for at least a week?" Nick stated, clearly annoyed that the older man was not following medical advice. What was he trying to do, kill himself?

Catherine cleared her throat; "He signed himself out, against doctor's orders." She told them, then sat quietly watching Grissom's face colour. Whether this was from embarrassment or anger she wasn't sure and didn't care, perhaps their team could talk some sense into him, because she couldn't? "Short of tying him to the bed, I couldn't keep him away from this place." That was a rather unfortunate choice of words and she held her breath for several seconds, but thankfully Grissom didn't react and none of the others said anything.

As if a secret signal had been sent between three of the CSIs Catherine and Warrick moved quickly to take Sara by the hand and lead her out of the office, leaving Nick behind with he boss.

"Griss, you can't hide away from this, you can't bury it under paperwork. This isn't some case it's you and it's reality," Nick told him. He knew his boss wouldn't be fit enough to scramble about in the field but the fact that he was here at all worried the young Texan, but he felt awkward being the one to have this discussion with him. Catherine would have been the better choice, she could judge Grissom's emotions and responses better, but Catherine had never been in a similar situation so Nick was the most likely candidate for the role.

"I'm not hiding from anything," Grissom almost growled, anger flashing in his eyes. He didn't need someone to tell him how to cope with what had happened. "I just don't want to be where I'm readily available to be poked, prodded or studied by the entire medical profession."

Taking a deep breath while he digested the other man's excuses, which were partially valid for someone like Grissom, Nick moved to the chair facing the desk. He sat in it and prepared for the argument he knew would come, "Did you at least let them hook you up with a counsellor?" Nick wasn't a big fan of therapy but he'd learned the hard way that it could help in some cases.

Grissom struggled to maintain his temper, something he wasn't used to having to do. Normally he was very placid and even-tempered, not allowing his emotions to cloud his judgement when he worked on a case. He knew the Texan could see his jaw moving but he wasn't aware of the angry half pout his mouth took on. "I know you're all just concerned, but I'll deal with this in my own way and in my own time, thank you." He said trying to sound calm.

"Meaning you'll sweep all your emotions into some little safe compartment in your mind where you can bury them and never have to think about it again," Nick challenged him," but that won't work, they'll surface when you least expect them to and you won' t know how to deal with them." He knew he was on dangerous ground but he kept going, "And that will be the day you make a mistake and as you're so fond of telling us that is when someone else will pay and suffer badly for your error."

Banging his hands on his desk as he rose, cutting off a cry of pain the injudicious movement caused him, he stared at Nick, his eyes almost grey with anger, "And you've been nominated to badger me about this why?"

He'd known it would come down to this the moment he'd allowed Catherine and Warrick to go, that, however, didn't make it any easier for Nick to tell his story. "I'm nominated as you call it because I've been through something similar and had to eventually see a counsellor, quite recently actually." He saw the look of shock change the colour of his boss' eyes back to blue and hurriedly continued before the older man could say anything; "I was sexually assaulted by a replacement baby sitter when I was nine years old. I didn't tell anyone but it festered inside me without me realising it and last year I almost blew a case because of it." He could see that Grissom was trying to piece things together, "Despite how the case turned out, Catherine and Warrick talked me into seeing someone to get things off of my chest and help me analyse it all rationally. Strangely enough it helped, even after all that time."

A knife could have cut the silence that engulfed the room. Both men sat awkwardly trying not to stare at one another. It was Nick who eventually broke it.

"I was just a kid and even in my own head I couldn't see how I could have stopped her, but that didn't stop me feeling guilty about it," he saw Grissom give a slight shudder and try to hide it. He knew he'd hit home and that his friend was feeling that guilt only ten times worse.

"Just because you're a man it doesn't mean you can automatically stop someone from physically hurting you," Nick told him trying to reassure him, but he wasn't certain he was successful. "If it helps any, one thing we did find from the crime scene was a shoe impression left outside the house. It proves the guy was far heavier than you were and we're hypothesising much taller than you, so he had weight and reach advantage."

"You were only a child," Grissom finally answered his voice quiet and unsteady, though not all of it was because of his throat, "how could you be expected to defend yourself from an adult, and one your parents trusted at that?"

Shaking his head at the man's wording, which went a long way to show his own emotional turmoil, Nick answered him, "No more than you had any chance of defending yourself."

Grissom clearly didn't accept that, however irrationally, he felt there was something he should have been able to do. Something that could either have prevented the attack or resulted in evidence that would lead to his assailant's capture.

"God, Grissom," Nick tried not to start shouting at his friend's stubbornness but it was difficult, "he attacked you when you were sleeping, he had physical advantage over you. Not only that he battered you into a concussion and drugged you, what else do you expect?" He shook his head continuing his attack, "we all expect to be safe in our own homes, its what makes us so vulnerable when something goes wrong." And boy did he know how that felt.

After his run in with a stalker, Nigel Crane, Nick had made many changes in his life to ensure nothing like that could happen to him again. He refused to let himself dwell on that though, especially here and now. His friend needed him and he was going to get through to the man if it was the last thing he did. "He waited till you were sleeping," Nick reiterated, "hit you so hard you couldn't think straight and then poured Sodium Amatol down your throat. Once he accomplished that you were never going to defeat him and before it you didn't even know he was there." He shook his head ruefully, "This guy had everything so well planned that you never stood a chance. God it's a miracle you survived at all."

Not quite yet able to accept everything his subordinate, and friend, said Grissom none the less was grateful for his words. Lifting his head, his eyes showing more emotion than Nick had ever seen in all the years he had worked with the man Grissom spoke,

"I know you mean well, Nicky," the younger man was waiting on the but and he didn't disappoint him, "and I'll have my doctor arrange something if you think that will do any good, but please, let me deal with this in my own way?"

Nick studied the older man for a few moments. Gil Grissom was something of an enigma to his subordinates, even Catherine didn't know him as well as she would like to, but he supposed the concession was a start, "Just as long as you see that counsellor," he agreed and Gil nodded. "You'll be surprised how helpful it can be to open up to a complete stranger who can't say anything to anyone about what you reveal." Deciding he had said enough for now, Nick rose to leave.

"Thanks for being so honest with me Nicky," Grissom's voice pulled him up short, "I know it wasn't easy for you to tell me that and I appreciate it." It had been along time since his boss had called him Nicky, now twice in as many minutes the nickname had slipped out, he reckoned that was a good sign. Surely it meant he wasn't angry at the interference and he'd been right to speak out.

Flashing his trademark grin, Nick answered, "Catherine already knew because of the case, and Warrick put two and two together at the time as well, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't mentioned it to anyone else, particularly Greg and Sara?" The young Texan didn't seem too at ease with his secret being known to so many but that was the price he was willing to pay for the support he received and could give.

Grissom was all business as he replied, "It's your business and your call, and it won't leave this office." Nick knew the older man would never spread personal remarks around it just wasn't his style, but he didn't miss the envious note in his voice. Anonymity was a luxury that the Entomologist had been denied.
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As the weeks passed life at the lab seemed to settle back into the usual routine, or as near to it as the graveyard shift ever got. Grissom had done as he had promised Nick and started to see a counsellor, something Catherine had initially thought was helping, but now she wasn't so sure.

She had started noticing little oddities appearing in how Grissom handled life at his work and at home. He no longer wore his firearm as policy prescribe and rarely even wore it at a crime scene where it was mandatory for protection against returning suspects. He didn't go to a scene unless two other members of the team were present with him. And he never let himself be alone with one other person; he seemed to find security in numbers.

Away from the office he wasn't much better. He came over to her house at the end of shift as he usually did and spent quality time with her and Lindsey, playing with the child and talking about his bugs, but even the little girl was starting to notice a difference. He would stay for a meal, help get Lindsey organised for school and even spend sometime cuddling and kissing on the sofa but as soon as it came time to sleep he made his excuses and went home. They hadn't been intimate since the attack and she began to wonder if they ever would be again.

Right now she thought she was watching another manifestation of that fear. Whenever anyone managed to corner him alone in his office, even her, he found excuses to take the discussion to a more public place, which was exactly what he was doing now.

Catherine sat in the break room watching him concluding business with Captain Jim Brass. Without giving it a second thought the homicide detective patted the other man on the back as he walked away. Since he wasn't looking at Grissom and the touch was merely fleeting he didn't notice the blue-eyed man flinch and fight the urge to recoil.

Catherine was angry with herself, this was going too far and she should have recognised the signs earlier. She didn't expect him to be comfortable with everyone, it had only been weeks since the attack and Gil had never been at ease with tactile contact at the best of times, he liked his personal space, but Brass was practically a member of their team, one of their family. Not only that he and Grissom had been friends for years. Considering the elapsed time she also thought it was unlikely that any of the injuries from the attack were the cause of his reaction. Apart from the wound on his chest all his injuries had more or less healed, the marks fading from sight if not from memory. Even the internal ones were making good progress according to his last check up.

Thoughts of the previous night invaded her memory and she remembered how angry Grissom had become when he had found out that Warrick was looking over the evidence from his case again. It shouldn't have caused any animosity between the two men, on slow nights the criminalists often looked over unsolved cold cases it was just something they did to pass the time. Everyone did it and Grissom had never bothered about it before.

As some weeks had passed with no new leads or evidence Grissom's own assault had now been relegated to the cold case file, much to the annoyance but understanding of the younger team members. With the criminals deciding to spend sometime in their own homes for a change Warrick had taken the opportunity to go over things one more time. Grissom had lost it and the argument that had ensued had been ugly. That he had sought Warrick out later to apologise after things had settled had helped a little but the team were still on edge around their supervisor clearly worried about him.

'He's running scared,' Catherine thought to herself. Movement in the hallway attracted her attention and she watched Grissom head in the direction of his office. Now was the time to do something about this she decided